As Thanksgiving approaches you'll likely read a "What I'm thankful for" post or ten. This is NOT that post.
I'm generally a grateful person because it feels great to be grateful. But I'm also a forty-five year old sleep deprived person experiencing a weird hormonal shift involving category five mood swings. My family had learned to take cover from the storm of tears and wild laughter and fists smashing onto the kitchen counter when it's discovered that somebody ate the last slice of banana bread. I'm not kidding—that fury hit yesterday.
If you knew me in my daily life you'd say I'm exaggerating because I'm a kitten for the most part. But lord love a shedevil, there's stuff happening in my body that has transformed this consistently sunny person into a cranky old man shouting at kids to get off his lawn. If this is a glimpse into what actual full blown menopause is going to be like well, just dunk me into one of those cryogenic hibernation tanks they use in deep space and wake me up when the change is complete.
However, this post isn't about me and my hormone hurricane. It's about finding the worst in everything and reviling in the bitterness while eating potato chips by the fist full while silently smiting all the happy things. So ya, not your usual Thanksgiving post.
But it's healthy to vent right? Plus, this storm will pass and soon I'll be stuffing a turkey (instead of telling people to get stuffed), laying out the place settings and feeling grateful for the friends and family gathered around our Thanksgiving table. But until then, here are some good things that also churn up quite a "hormonocane" storm surge depending on which way the wind (wind=hormone level) is blowing.
Thankful for feedback on things I've written because it's nice to be heard. #singletear
Not thankful for negative comments made by bitter trolls. Trolls hurt my feelers.
Thankful for Facebook because it keeps me connected with faraway friends and family.
Not thankful for the stalker-like tendencies Faceboook elicits in me and the time suck vortex I get sucked into daily.
Thankful for pets because they are fuzzy balls of unconditional love.
Not thankful for dogs who snack from the cat’s litterbox and nocturnal cats who lie on your face after playing your bedroom blinds like a harp at 4:30 am.
Thankful for oily skin because so far I'm relatively wrinkle free.
Not thankful that you can see your refection in my forehead and for the mega pimple currently threatening to erupt on my chin like hormonal clockwork.
Thankful for booze.
Not thankful for #boozebelly.
Thankful for hashstags because they make it easier for me to get to the point.
Not thankful for hashtags because #InstaAnnoying
Thankful for autocorrect because I can’t spell my way out of a paper bag.
Not thankful for awkward texts sent in haste. For the record, I did not get anal apples. I got caramel apples. Only caramel.
Thankful for selfies because I finally get to be in a photo.
Not thankful for selfies because I finally get to be in a photo (see points above re: mega pimple and booze belly)
Thankful for traffic circles because they slow cars in our neighbourhood so it's safer for kids walking to school.
Not thankful for traffic circles because of idiots too busy chatting on their cell phones to actually pay attention to how traffic circles work. There's a system people! Figure it out. And for god's sake, put your phone in the trunk.
Thankful for salty snacks because...delicious.
Not thankful for salty snacks because some days—you know the ones—they summon me like salty sirens from hell. I am weak. And now dehydrated, bloated and up 4.5 pounds.
Thankful for this roof over my head because home is where the heart is.
Not thankful for this roof over my head because after eleven years, toilets need replacing, walls are begging for a fresh coat of paint, and about 1000 other worn out bits need a refresher.
Thankful for Netflix because The Walking Dead.
Not thankful for Netflix because I’m now consumed by images of flesh eating monsters scratching at my window.
Thankful for all the "stuff"—the clothes, the gadgets, the toys, all of it because it's nice to be able to play barista at home with a new milk frother.
Not thankful for all the stuff because my basement is like an episode of Hoarders. I can’t stand the clutter. I fear I might snap and just donate the lot of it and start fresh.
Thankful for the people in my life.
I have nothing negative to say here because I know how lucky I am to have them. And I'm especially thankful in advance for their choice not to send me and my wonky hormones off on an iceflow...