I'm all for being polite and kind. I mean, I'm not a monster. But there are days when I want to be silly and, dare I say, inappropriate? What's wrong with that? There's a new sheriff in town and her name is Buzz Kill. I flat out refuse to invite her to any of my parties. Shoot, I have to invite her don't I? God forbid we should leave anyone out and hopelessly and irreparably offend them.

There are plenty of highly rigid rules of *PCness now. New ones are added daily and I'm struggling to keep up. 

Remember the 1980s when we could tell "What's grosser than gross jokes" without fear of being crucified? Wait, can I say crucified or is the religious connotation offensive? I'm finding it tough to trust my instincts these days. In fact, rather than risk the wrath of the trolls (oops...sorry, the term "troll" might be offensive to avid fairytale readers. The new politically corrected label for troll by the way is "Dumbies"—Disgruntled Unkempt Marginalized Bridge Inhabiting Evil Skulkers, and so I just keep my mouth shut. 

You are not anonymous on the internet

I have nothing against trolls. I'd be grumpy if I lived under a bridge too. Can you imagine being moist all the time, slogging around in a dank river bed 24/7? I get it. But I'm not a fan of the trolls - er, Dumbies - who lie in wait on the internet, lurking and watching for PC infractions so they can pounce. Use the wrong word, express an opinion that differs from the norm, tell a racy joke and you're in for a internet-beating. Dumbies will beat you down until you're a battered bloody hunk of meat, commando crawling away from your computer, clutching your wireless mouse in a shaky clenched fist. 

I was going to list some of the off-the-charts offensive joke topics we loved as kids, but I'm no dummy (the troll kind or the stoopid kind). I would be unmercifully lambasted (sorry if I offended any vegans with that word), hung from a tree, and bashed about the head with a wooden stick like a pinata. Did I offend with this violent image? My apologies. So in the name of caution, I won't speak of them. If you grew up in the 80s you know which ones I mean anyway. Don't laugh! It's no longer to permitted. Think I'm kidding? A friend of my brother's wife's teacher's father's business associate's accountant was banished from his town for smiling at a fart joke. This shit's real folks. Uh oh, I cursed. I'll probably be blacklisted now. Oh dear, I said black...

According to my son, if you say that somebody is black, all the kids at school will call you a racist. 

How tech can help you stay positive

For the love of...oops, better not say it. The other day my son and I were listening to the radio when an Iggy Azalea song came on and I admitted to initially thinking she was black. (In case you're not familiar with Iggy, she's a wicked talented white girl who has a distinctly hip hop sound.) My son was horrified. He squealed, "MUM!!!! You CAN'T SAY THAT!!"

He explained if you include a person's colour in your description of them, you will be flogged mercilessly at 3pm at the school flagpole. So, if you happen to have two Davids in your class— one black and one white, perhaps - this visible difference must never be acknowledged in any way at any time. Here's an example to help make this rule more clear. 

This is my exterior:

As of 2014 you may no longer describe me as a middle-aged white female. Offensive much? *wipes away tear*

Instead, when you describe me, please do so thusly: chronologically mid-range, melanin challenged, xx-chromosomed human life-form. And whatever you do, don't ask about the helmet. You have no idea why I might be wearing it. I could have gravity issues. It's better not to ask and to just make assumptions. 

Hope that helps. 

So are we too PC? Yup. Are we teaching our children to censor themselves to ridiculous levels? Yes. Is it possible to be kind, inclusive, compassionate, and funny while also being respectful and real? I think so. Like so many things in life, it's about balance and common sense. It's also about finding the line and walking it with confidence and conviction. 

I apologize if *PCness sounds too much like penis. We know how offensive the word penis is. New rule alert—we're no longer allowed to use the word penis. Ever. We should also probably avoid the word "pianist" since it has a very penisy sound to it. On that vein (okay, just so we're clear, I KNOW there's a penis and vein joke to be made here but... trolls, so I can't make it out loud. However, I thought it quietly inside my brain and laughed discreetly to myself, so discreetly in fact that I did it straight-faced. Try laughing without smiling. It's tough, but alas necessary in the politically-tense environment we've created. Anyway, roosters are also no longer permitted as a topic of conversation in polite company. Rooster talk may lead to someone saying "cock" which falls under the same PC ban as penis. Again, I sincerely apologize for any discomfort I may have caused for using the word PCness. 

Another post where I bitch and moan about how we're becoming uptight weenies 

And this: Is Halloween getting too politically correct and missing the point?

^{Image Source: Doug Wildman via photopin}