Lisa Thornbury: Party Mummy


Summer is Coming: Choose Your Allegiance in The Neighbourhood Grass Wars

Which Side Are You On?

The Grass Wars |

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

Actually this depends on which side of the Grass Wars you're on. Yes, I'm talking lawns. You thought the Mommy Wars were ridiculous? Lawn brawls are equally ludicrous. 

It's been an unseasonably hot and dry spring here in Ontario. Only a few days into summer now and our gardens are struggling to survive. As I walked my dog through our neighbourhood last night I noticed that half the lawns in our hood are green and lush. The other half are yellow and crispy. I scoffed and passed judgement on one of these groups. I won't say which—I don't relish being mowed down by angry sods who disagree with me. (I have NO idea why I have developed a reputation for punning. But muchas grassy-ass to those who keep sending me "pun meme" emails to enjoy. )

This early in the season the city has yet to issue watering restrictions. So those who have the time and gumption to yank out their hoses and water, may. Like not shaving under your arms or bottle feeding, it's a personal choice. Personal. This means there shouldn't be any judgement. But you know there always is. Lawn care is not exempt from harsh criticism. No, seriously. This is a thing. 

Here are the two warring sides:

Greenies —folks who water and weed and take pride in their moist and well manicured yard carpets. 

Crispies — these home owners believe that watering is wasteful. (*This excludes those who are on vacation, people who could give two shits about curb appeal, or those whose hose is so hopelessly tangled they can't even... ) They let nature take its course and believe that a green lawn is not necessarily a healthy lawn. 

My husband and I are on opposing sides of this debate. One of us wants the lawn to be soft for the kids to play on. While the other watches a lot of documentaries on Netflix including the one about the global water crisis. (Don't even get me started on the epic "to weed or not to weed the dandelions debate of May 2016.")

So what do you do when home dwellers disagree on this topic? If you're a Greenie, you water while the Crispy is at work. Or you force your children to run through the sprinkler two times a day (thus watering under the guise of good clean kid fun). If you're a Crispy, you tightened the tap knob so tight that the Greenie in your house can't possibly turn it without using a wrench which the Greenie has hidden somewhere in the garage.

Outside of that, all you can do is agree to disagree and pray for rain. 

Mulch it over and let me know which side of the fence you're on. 

*FYI—this does not apply to plants, vegetable gardens or hanging baskets. They need water! We're not monsters.*

For Your Information — Other non lawn or parenting related wars quiet raging in Canadian communities include:

~ the family decal car sticker wars

~ plastic vs reusable cloth grocery shopping bag wars

~ the put together moms wars

~idling in the drive-thru wars

~the pick-up after your pet wars

~the learn how to drive you friggin' idiot wars

Feel free to add to this list in the comments. 

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