In January 2016 I joined a gym.
I joined the exodus of stuffed-full holiday revelers, awash with grand illusions of a newer, leaner me, and stood at the the gates of hell to pay for the privilege.
But this was different. I meant it this time. I was going to go, and I didn't care if that meant strapping on a helmet and facing down my fiercest rival of all - the treadmill. I was going to do it this year and really get my shit together.
This did not happen.
1. It's free for three months, so why would I go while it's free? I'm not even paying for it yet!
2. There are like, 40 stairs or some shit leading up to it. That's a lot of climbing. No thanks.
3. It's located right above the grocery store and wine shop, so I'm actually saving calories by not going, since afterwards I would be tempted to buy junk food and alcohol.
4. I can't find yoga pants that fit yet because I need to workout.
5. My 12 year-old won't show me how to use iMusic so I can get a goddamn workout playlist ready.
6. I had a big meal yesterday and they say don't swim for an hour after eating. If you extrapolate that, it probably means don't go on a treadmill for six days. It's simple math.
7. The dog looks sad. She probably needs me to be around today.
8. I just had a baby and that baby needs me to drop her off at University orienation day.
9. I have my period.
10. All my yoga pants are in the laundry.
11. If I lose weight, I'm going to have to buy new clothes. Then I'll probably want a haircut and maybe a manicure. That's going to be expensive. This is getting out of reach financially.
12. I read that gyms are basically Petri dishes, so why would I go there if it's bad for my health?
13. I own too many pairs of yoga pants. I can't decide. I'm frozen now.
14. Gyms are notorious pick up joints. I'm not putting my relationship in jeopardy.
15. I'm highly competitive but incredibly unathletic. That's a recipe for a broken ankle right there.
16. They offer tanning. TANNING? That shit'll KILL you.
17. I am ample in the boob department. If you too are ample in the boob department, I don't need to say anything else about working out in comfort, do I?
18. I have exactly enough friends: Two. (Hang on...one is still mad at me for that thing, so... one. I have one friend. I think I'm still good.)
19. My blood pressure prescription refill costs are putting several health care worker's children through medical school themselves.
20. I am not a morning person.
21. I am not an afternoon/dusk/evening/night person.
22. I cannot remember that trainers name, the one who was so nice to me, showed me around, gave me a free water bottle and t-shirt, and that seems rude. I mean, it's a nice water bottle.
23. I lost my water bottle.
Feel free to use this list should the occasion present itself. I find having it laminated on a small card and keeping it in your purse can be helpful should you receive an invite from a friend or a polite "What happened to your willpower?" call from that trainer whose name you can't remember.