Jeni Marinucci: Panic Button Years


The Real Truth About Why I'm Not Going to That Gym I Just Joined

Short Story: In January 2016 I Joined a Gym

In January 2016 I joined a gym. 

I joined the exodus of stuffed-full holiday revelers, awash with grand illusions of a newer, leaner me, and stood at the the gates of hell to pay for the privilege. 

But this was different. I meant it this time. I was going to go, and I didn't care if that meant strapping on a helmet and facing down my fiercest rival of all - the treadmill. I was going to do it this year and really get my shit together. 

This did not happen. 

THIS did:


Reasons For Not Going to That Gym You Just Joined and Pay $65 a Month For 

1. It's free for three months, so why would I go while it's free? I'm not even paying for it yet!

2. There are like, 40 stairs or some shit leading up to it. That's a lot of climbing. No thanks. 

3. It's located right above the grocery store and wine shop, so I'm actually saving calories by not going, since afterwards I would be tempted to buy junk food and alcohol. 

4. I can't find yoga pants that fit yet because I need to workout. 

5. My 12 year-old won't show me how to use iMusic so I can get a goddamn workout playlist ready.

6. I had a big meal yesterday and they say don't swim for an hour after eating. If you extrapolate that, it probably means don't go on a treadmill for six days. It's simple math. 

7. The dog looks sad. She probably needs me to be around today. 

8. I just had a baby and that baby needs me to drop her off at University orienation day. 

9. I have my period.

10. All my yoga pants are in the laundry. 

11. If I lose weight, I'm going to have to buy new clothes. Then I'll probably want a haircut and maybe a manicure. That's going to be expensive. This is getting out of reach financially. 

12. I read that gyms are basically Petri dishes, so why would I go there if it's bad for my health?

13. I own too many pairs of yoga pants. I can't decide. I'm frozen now. 

14. Gyms are notorious pick up joints. I'm not putting my relationship in jeopardy. 

15. I'm highly competitive but incredibly unathletic. That's a recipe for a broken ankle right there.

16. They offer tanning. TANNING? That shit'll KILL you. 

17. I am ample in the boob department. If you too are ample in the boob department, I don't need to say anything else about working out in comfort, do I? 

18. I have exactly enough friends: Two. (Hang is still mad at me for that thing, so... one. I have one friend. I think I'm still good.) 

19. My blood pressure prescription refill costs are putting several health care worker's children through medical school themselves. 

20. I am not a morning person. 

21. I am not an afternoon/dusk/evening/night person. 

22. I cannot remember that trainers name, the one who was so nice to me, showed me around, gave me a free water bottle and t-shirt, and that seems rude. I mean, it's a nice water bottle. 

23. I lost my water bottle. 

Feel free to use this list should the occasion present itself. I find having it laminated on a small card and keeping it in your purse can be helpful should you receive an invite from a friend or a polite "What happened to your willpower?" call from that trainer whose name you can't remember.