In January 2016 I joined a gym.
I joined the exodus of stuffed-full holiday revelers, awash with grand illusions of a newer, leaner me, and stood at the the gates of hell to pay for the privilege.
But this was different. I meant it this time. I was going to go, and I didn't care if that meant strapping on a helmet and facing down my fiercest rival of all - the treadmill. I was going to do it this year and really get my shit together.
This did not happen.
1. It's free for three months, so why would I go while it's free? I'm not even paying for it yet!
2. There are like, 40 stairs or some shit leading up to it. That's a lot of climbing. No thanks.
3. It's located right above the grocery store and wine shop, so I'm actually saving calories by not going, since afterwards I would be tempted to buy junk food and alcohol.
4. I can't find yoga pants that fit yet because I need to workout.
5. My 12 year-old won't show me how to use iMusic so I can get a goddamn workout playlist ready.
6. I had a big meal yesterday and they say don't swim for an hour after eating. If you extrapolate that, it probably means don't go on a treadmill for six days. It's simple math.
7. The dog looks sad. She probably needs me to be around today.
8. I just had a baby and that baby needs me to drop her off at University orienation day.
9. I have my period.
10. All my yoga pants are in the laundry.
11. If I lose weight, I'm going to have to buy new clothes. Then I'll probably want a haircut and maybe a manicure. That's going to be expensive. This is getting out of reach financially.
12. I read that gyms are basically Petri dishes, so why would I go there if it's bad for my health?
13. I own too many pairs of yoga pants. I can't decide. I'm frozen now.
14. Gyms are notorious pick up joints. I'm not putting my relationship in jeopardy.
15. I'm highly competitive but incredibly unathletic. That's a recipe for a broken ankle right there.
16. They offer tanning. TANNING? That shit'll KILL you.
17. I am ample in the boob department. If you too are ample in the boob department, I don't need to say anything else about working out in comfort, do I?
18. I have exactly enough friends: Two. (Hang on...one is still mad at me for that thing, so... one. I have one friend. I think I'm still good.)
19. My blood pressure prescription refill costs are putting several health care worker's children through medical school themselves.
20. I am not a morning person.
21. I am not an afternoon/dusk/evening/night person.
22. I cannot remember that trainers name, the one who was so nice to me, showed me around, gave me a free water bottle and t-shirt, and that seems rude. I mean, it's a nice water bottle.
23. I lost my water bottle.
Feel free to use this list should the occasion present itself. I find having it laminated on a small card and keeping it in your purse can be helpful should you receive an invite from a friend or a polite "What happened to your willpower?" call from that trainer whose name you can't remember.
Canadians and Americans have many common interests and traditions - Thanksgiving amongst them. However, we are two completely different countries with our own ideas of how things should be done ....cough cough ...Donald Trump... cough cough... so it's no surprise that the same holiday is experienced in unique ways in each nation.
Unless you’re currently lost in a cornstalk maze or you’ve hit your head pumpkin-picking, you know that the countdown to Canadian Thanksgiving has begun. Spicy $7 lattes and rotting leaves scent the now chilly morning air, and we are less than a week from National Elastic Waistband Day. It's high time you started thinking about defrosting the 86 kilo turkey you won in the church raffle and get the kids started on the annual search for Grandma's antique gravy boat she brought wrapped in her skirts from the Old Country. (Hint: It’s in the sandbox.)
There’s a lot to do to get ready for the feasting day and there isn’t a long time to do it, but here's a quick beginners guide to help you understand the primary differences between the Canadian and American Thanksgiving holidays.
Although most Canadians are lucky enough to enjoy a long weekend for Thanksgiving, we’d all be well served to look south for some new holiday traditions to adopt, because Americans typically enjoy a four-day extravaganza when it’s their turn to celebrate Turkey Day. Yes, for not only do our next-door neighbours have the better selection of high-octane sugar cereals, they also get more time off come Thanksgiving. I’m fairly certain we can blame the metric system somehow.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving on the second Monday in October, while Americans have their turn a month and a half month later in late November. This is because the majority of Canadian farmland is frozen solid by November and we’d have to celebrate using only canned lima beans and what’s left of the year bumper crop of zucchini. You can put as many canned fried onions on that casserole as you’d like; no one is going to eat anything called “Zucchatravaganza” - and I’ve tried. But what really matters is that we celebrate with family and friends over an abundance of culinary riches in remembrance and appreciation for the sacrifices made by all the peoples of this land who came before us.
Americans do similarly, except they add marshmallows. To like, EVERYTHING.
Canadians are a lovely bunch and they typically go for the traditional when it comes to pies: pumpkin with whipped cream, butter tarts, or maybe a cheesecake if your family is comprised of avant garde risk-takers who don't mind their children being ridiculed for their leftovers in their lunches.
Americans bring it when it comes to dessert, with their choices often getting so crazy that I've heard tales of people offering guests pies made from sweet potatoes.
Dear god. It's...I.. what's next? Cranberry relish from a can? It's madness.
By the point we’re back at our desks dreaming of stuffing and turkey sandwiches, our Americans friends are just warming up. After their Thanksgiving meal comes the perennial American tradition: the plan of attack for Black Friday shopping sales. Flyers are consulted and routes are mapped. Comfortable shoes are laced and credit cards are loaded and ready, because what better way to further acknowledge the bounty of a fertile land built on pioneering spirit than to stand in line for a $2 musical waffle iron.
What do Canadians do?
We sit around and ponder the chances of the snow blower starting next week on the first pull.
Americans may have their football on several channels, as well as games on front lawns across their great nation.
Canadians have other athletic endeavors they take part in: first, there's the endurance event of scrubbing gravy-covered dishes or maybe the mad dash to peeing in the forest or a freezing outhouse up at the cottage before you close it for the season. In our family, we also host a yearly fist fight, the loser of which has to wash the roasting pan.
Thanksgiving is a very risky holiday. There are risks: cooking (burns), feasting (choking), sports (sprains, breaks, bruises), and family (strains from eye rolling; pulling a muscle rushing to change the topic when Uncle Fred has one beer too many and wants to talk "the bullshit state of politics in this country;" cutting yourself slashing Uncle Fred's tires... the list is endless.
These calamities could easily befall either Canadian or American Thanksgiving celebrants, but if they happen in Canada, you're only out $17 for hospital parking and a second slice of pie.
In the United States you need to sell your house and a kidney.
But no matter how distinct the differences between us and our American neighbours, ultimately we all have the same goal for a successful Thanksgiving holiday: having a relaxing day spent being thankful for loved ones and good food, and not drawing the short straw when it comes to who has to be designated driver.