Jen Warman: New Freakin' Mummy


An Ode to Motherhood

A sleepless nighttime rhyme

It’s 2AM and I have puke in my hair
I’ve just changed your diaper and there’s pee everywhere.
Half asleep, I stumble and make my way back to bed.
Hoping you’ll fall asleep once you’re fed.

I whip the boob out, and you latch like a pro!
It's our late night routine: the Cole & Jen show.
Two hours later, like the night before
You wake me again: you want some more!
And just when I think we might get some rest
I feel you flailing, you're punching my breast.
You're grunting and snorting—are you awake, or asleep?
I try to roll over without a peep.
Nope. No luck. You're awake. And it's five.
How can new mothers stay alive?
With such little sleep, night after night.
I knew it would be like this, but it just isn't right.
I look down at my shirt: is it clean enough to wear outside?
Oh who gives a shit—let's be honest, I have no pride!
With you in my carrier, we take the dog out for a walk.
I hope the neighbours don't see me. They'll surely want to talk!
And I haven't brushed my teeth, I have creases on my face
At least I'm wearing underwear—and damnit all—they're lace!
I may look like a wreck to you, but at least I know inside
that a sexy woman once lived here - and she will be revived!
But before she is revived, she has a lot of shit to do.
And a lot of shit to clean—and I literally mean POO.
Poo, poo, poo, poo and sometimes there's a pee.
More shit, poo, ca-ca and crap. And then you piss on me.
Your penis flails around like a fireman's strong hose.
You pee on the wall, you pee on your face—even up your nose.
I'm sorry my dear, I can't help but laugh as it hits you in the face.
You're such a mess, but I don't care. Now we both look like a disgrace!
As I strip you down to clean you (again), your big blue eyes meet mine
And in that moment—with that grin, I know that we'll be just fine.
No matter how many late nights, no matter how much pee
We can handle anything: little you and me.
Once you're clean I snuggle you close and you lean against my chest.
I wouldn't trade this time with you: it truly is the best.