I know. I know. It's not safe for kids to wear bulky coats while in their carseats. I've watched the YouTube videos with the crash-test dummys. I've been sufficiently scared enough to know better. Car seat safety is important. So, my kids don't wear bulky coats in their car seats.
Since I'm a chronic rule-follower, I'm following the rules. But that doesn't mean I like it. No. In fact...
I fucking hate it.
Is Your Carseat Installed Correctly?
I wish I could un-know how dangerous it can be to allow your child to wear a bulky coat in their carseat. Ignorance is bliss, right? No. No it isn't. But yes it is. Sort of. Agh. This whole situation is balls.
Trying to get a baby and a toddler into the van on a blistery cold winter day without wearing snowsuits is a fun fucking game. Isn't it?
There are a plethora of Etsy creations out there to try to band-aid this "keeping warm in the car without a coat" situation, but I'm sorry...they're a bit ridiculous, aren't they?
So instead of purchasing a car poncho, I've opted for a different solution. It's called:
FUCK IT, YOU'LL FREEZE TEMPORARILY BUT YOU'LL BE WARM SOON.
I throw their coat over them once they're in the van and hope to hell the heater starts working, and fast. The neighbours probably think I'm the world's most negligent mother since I'm often seen running down the driveway in -15 temperatures holding a baby in my arms wearing nothing but a hat and a coat somewhat draped over their head / back like a superhero cape. I can only imagine their conversations:
"Why doesn't she just put the jacket on the child?"
"Because it's not safe, Janice."
"Not safe? You can't wear a jacket in a carseat anymore?!? That's absurd. I used to place little Betsy on my LAP while I was driving and you'd blow second-hand smoke right in her face. Remember that? Those were the days."
Yeah. Those were the days, alright.
Now please excuse me, we're heading out for the day and I should probably at least go warm up the van...
I just had my third baby! I know this might come as a surprise, and it was a very long gestation period (seven years,) but my beautiful baby is finally here and I couldn't be more excited. Are you confused? Keep reading.
The Top 5 Unglamorous Items You Need After Giving Birth
If you've been following my blog you know me as Jen Warman: the mom who occasionally swears, is sleep deprived, and isn't afraid to talk about genitals. You may or may not know that I have a full-time day-job in television working as a writer/producer. What you probably don't know is that since 2008 I've had a side-business called Hollywood Birthdays. We make original short films with kids at their birthday parties, and I've done more than 350 parties to date, but for the past couple of years my business has been somewhat dormant.
I've been busy working full-time, writing, getting pregnant, birthing babies, and generally trying to keep my head above water.
Well, I've finally figured out how to swim, and juggle, and only inhale the odd gulp of water - so I figure I'm good to go. I'm ready to re-birth my metaphorical first baby. My business.
We have a new look (thank you so much, Main Street Creative) and new packages (thank you for the photography Josh Moshenberg) and we are accepting new bookings as of today!
I'm ecstatic. I'm exhausted. I'm oh-so-in-love. This is just like childbirth! Except my baby looks nothing like me and I didn't require stitches. I suppose that's a good thing...
So if you - or anyone you know - is looking for a fun and unique birthday party idea, I invite you to check out some of our movie-making packages. We typically do parties within the GTA and surrounding areas, but we will travel. Waterloo? Been there. Hamilton? Done that. Vancouver? Would love to! Sydney, Australia? Why not?
In 2015 we plan to grow and hopefully be in a city near you sooner rather than later.
In the meantime, you can still find me here. blogging about my genitals. You can also check out our new website and like us on Facebook to stay in the loop with all of my entrepreneurial shenanigans.
Thank you Erica Ehm for opening your door to me three years ago and allowing me to do a Hollywood Birthday party for your daughter Jessie. Little did I know that day would open so many more doors for me, and bring me to YMC. I am forever grateful.
They're roughly three feet tall. They can't quite pronounce "sh" words yet. They have small hands, and yes, they sometimes smell like cabbage. They bring us copious amounts of joy and within seconds they can have us on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
Here are the Universally Irritating Things That Toddlers Do. If you have one of these beings in your house, I'm sure you can relate...
1. Every day around 5pm, you're guaranteed to hear this phrase "Dinner is yucky!"
Even if it's spaghetti (their favourite). Even if it's ice-cream. It doesn't matter. If it's served in the dinner hour, and you call it dinner, it's "yucky."
5 Things You Should Never Say To Your Kids About Food
2. They wiggle and fidget and squirm.
Always. Especially when you're trying to help them get their snowsuits on. You're hot and sweaty in your own snowsuit. It feels like an ancient torture technique. You just want to get out the door to play in the snow, dammit. But there are hats, and mitts, and gloves, and so many zippers. Your toddler doesn't care. They're too busy telling you a story about a magical-gypsy-toothbrush-fairy while trying to scratch their ass. "C'mon! Just put your arm in your coat. We're almost....done." They lean the other way, and topple over.
3. They ask why.
This is normal, and real questions are fine, but one's like this drive me to drink;
Me: "He's done work for the day."
Me: "Because he finished what he needed to do."
Me: "That doesn't even make sense."
*More about the "Why" Stage Here
4. They're slow and they get distracted.
They can climb up onto the countertop in .5 seconds, but it takes 12 hours to climb the two foot ledge into the minivan. They finally get both knees up and then need to take a break and examine a Cheerio that has fallen on the ground. Not only that, they take the time to make commentary and ask questions about the fallen Cheerio. It's -25 degrees outside, their baby sibling is screaming in your arms, yet the distracted toddler pays no attention. Three hours later, you buckle them into their carseat.
5. Toddlers turn into manipulative liars at bedtime.
It starts out sweetly with a few bedtime stories and some much needed cuddling. Once the lights go off, it's game over. "I have to pee." Five minutes later. "I think I have a tummy ache." Shortly followed by this entire list: I'm hungry. I'm scared. I have to pee again. Do you know where my teddy is? I love you. Don't leave. Just one more minute. I'm hungry again. I need medicine. Just a little bit. My foot is cold. I want my socks on. Take my socks off. Are dinosaurs real? What sound does my penis make?
6. They never listen when they're supposed to and always listen when they shouldn't.
Of course they don't hear you when you ask them to help pick up their toys, but suddenly they're asking questions about the neighbour's dog who died, "What does put to sleep mean?" And you're instantly regretting speaking too loudly on the phone and can only imagine what bedtime will look like tonight:
YOU: "It's time to go to sleep."
TODDLER: "Sleep? You want to put me to sleep? Nooooooooo!!!!"
7. Their independence always comes at inconvenient times.
Guaranteed the first time your toddler will want to dress themselves is the exact same time you need to evacuate a building due to a fire. That's just the way it is.
Yet despite toddler's unique ability to irritate the shit out of you and push you to the edge, they also possess the uncanny ability to sense exactly when they should come over and give you a hug with their deceptively strong arms (and small hands that yes, still smell like cabbage). Hearing "I love you Mom," can instantly extinguish any anger that may be pulsing through your veins. Even if ten seconds later, it starts all over again...