So what is my favourite part about being a mom? (Aside from the irreplacable love, life-changing bond, and all that other mushy stuff?)
It's definitely the Mom Arms.
Yep. I may have sacrificed my vagina, and my breasts...and my stomach, and my butt...
However, I love *kiss bicep* my new Mom Arms *kiss other bicep*
So if you are reading this, and are saying to yourself, "I too would love to get me some Mom Arms." Here is how. In five easy steps.
STEP #1: Have a Baby.
Whether you push a baby out of your vagina, have one cut out of your uterus via c-section, or spend months / years / decades in the adoption process, you've worked hard for your baby—and now you have one. So congratulations!!!
STEP #2: Carry Your Baby. Everywhere.
I highly suggest never putting your baby down. Ever. There are many things to be gained from this:
a) They won't develop a flat head and need to wear a helmet.
and most importantly....
b) YOU'LL GET MOM ARMS! Learning to walk and crawl is really overrated. Then they just get into shit they're not supposed to. My motto is this, "Carry them until they can carry you." I understand there are a lot of flaws with this statement (ie/ how will they develop muscle tissue?) But whatever. Overlook it. I'm not a scientist. And guess what? Who cares? Because...
You'll have MOM ARMS!
STEP #3: Carry Other People's Babies
Once you're used to carrying your baby around everywhere, you'll need to up the ante. You'll need to start adding more babies to your daily work-out regime. So when you're out and about, hanging out with other Moms at the mall, show off your skills and carry their babies. Along with your baby. When they have to go pee, say something like, "No problem ladies, I've got this." And then skillfully cradle five babies in your arms. If you really want to impress them, pretend you've dropped something and then do a slow and controlled squat to pick it up.
I'm currently up to holding eight babies. Not that I'm bragging. *kisses bicep* *let's kiss linger a little too long....*
STEP #4: Use Your Body as a Jungle Gym
When you're at the park, encourage children to climb on YOU instead of the playground equipment. Monkey bars? Who needs monkey bars, when you can hang upside-down off of my incredibly strong Mom Arms?
STEP #5: Kiss Biceps Often
This isn't really a tip to help you get Mom Arms, but it's something important you need to do daily once you have them.
*double kiss biceps*
And, that's it. Now go out, and make me proud ladies (and gents). Take photos of your Mom Arms (or Dad Arms, let's be fair), and share them with the world. Be proud. Be very very proud.
Right now my life is a giant game of Jenga.
The tower is very high, and I keep removing blocks from the foundation. Just when I think I can't possibly pile on any more blocks, I find a way to wiggle another one loose. I hold my breath—and place it on top. Amazingly, the tower hasn't come crashing down yet—but I know it's only a matter of time.
My chest feels tight with anxious anticipation. How did I get myself into this situation?
After dealing with anxiety issues three years ago, I've really learned how to manage my life and stress. I follow three simple rules:
1) Don't commit to things unless you can do them (and wholeheartedly want to do them)
2) Exercise and eat well
3) Get enough sleep
Well, all of this has gone to shit since I have an eight-month-old baby who still doesn't sleep: I've been waking about five to six times a night for the past three weeks. He's teething, and it's hell. Or at least I assume it's his teeth. He's been extra clingy, and has a different painful cry when he wakes up.
Camilia, Advil, Tylenol, Hugs, Kisses, Rocking, Boob, Co-Sleeping. I've tried it all. Nothing results in a better sleep. I guess we'll just have to wait it out. And no, I don't want to let him cry it out. I think I've mentioned this before, but my heart is made of butter.
Anyway, in addition to my extra-sleepless nights, we're in the process of moving. We bought a house, sold our house, and somewhere in between we need to pack. Here is a word cloud that represents my life lately:
Realtors, Inspectors, Contractors, Mountains of Paperwork, Cleaning, Organizing, Running a Business, Chasing a Baby, Five Birthday Parties, Halloween, Christmas, Husband Away for Business, Laundry, Cooking...
The list goes on and on and on. But I won't continue whining, because I'll just put you to sleep reading my blog. And then I'll be jealous of you, because you're sleeping.
So to avoid the pending doom of an anxiety attack, that I mentioned above, I've asked myself, "What can I let go of? What can I delegate? Is there anything I can do to make my life less stressful so that I don't completely crash and burn?"
And the answer is sadly, not really. (I've called in my Mom for reinforcement. She's playing with Cole as we speak.)
It's only for another month and a half, and after that, I'll be in a much better place. Figuratively, and literally.
It will be a newly renovated place. Where my boxes will be unpacked, and my wine rack will be full. I'll also have a hot tub. A glorious, glorious hot tub.
So in the meantime, if you see me at the grocery store with my dreadlocked hair (not by choice) and sweaty stained shirt, please walk by and pretend you don't know me. I don't have time to talk to you, and if I do talk to you, I probably won't be coherent.
I might start crying and cling to your leg like a needy four year old "Please, please don't go. I have cookies. Do you like cookies? Stay. Help me. Come clean my house. Pack for me. Please." And then I'll pee on the floor because I'm actually sleep-walking and was dreaming that I was in a pool. Has that ever happened to you?
Me either. I swear.
Tell me ladies and gents, what do you do to cope with stress? And are you free in December to help me move? And paint my walls? I have cookies. Wine. And a hot tub....
I am a city mouse. I am also a country mouse. (Please tell me you've at least heard of these books?) And for the past year or so, my husband and I have been talking about possibly moving out of the city. But every time we dangle our toes into the water of suburbia, I shiver and we hop right back into our city life.
The cafes! The restaurants! The culture! The parks! The arts scene!
Sigh. How can we leave?
The noise! The traffic! The insanity of real estate!
Sigh. How can we stay?
We have been wavering back and forth on this topic since before our son was born. However, over the past eight months or so, the scales have started to tip in favour of leaving the city.
We crave a backyard, and that small town feel that we grew up with. We crave square footage and a basement. Cole's Nana & Grandma are anxiously waiting for us to remove the "toy ban" so that they can buy him things for Christmas (larger than the size of an orange.)
So. We did it.
We listed our trendy and adorable little townhouse, and we went house hunting east of Toronto. I was convinced there was nothing for us there. My husband and I actually had this conversation:
Me: "But no one cool lives in Durham."
Husband: "That's not true."
Me: "Yes it is."
Husband: (typing on computer)
Me: "What are you doing?"
Husband: "I'm googling to see which cool people have come from Durham...(pause)...Look! Sid Ryan, President of the Ontario Federation of Labor is from Whitby!"
Ummm. I think my husband and I have different definitions of the word "cool."
Anyway....I begrudgingly went to check out some open houses with him two Sundays ago, and guess what happened? We met some people. Cool people. They were nice, and friendly, and had children. They invited us over to carve pumpkins with them that afternoon (I'm not kidding.) Gotta love small towns!
And then guess what happened? We stumbled upon the most adorable little part of town with huge tree lined streets where neighbours waived to one another while raking their leaves. And what's even better? We could afford these homes without selling organs on the black market! Without robbing a bank or starting a meth lab in our basement!
So what did we do?
We found a house that we loved. We called our realtor. We put in an offer. And we bought the house. And then we sold our townhouse. All in the span of 7 days.
I can't believe it's all happened so fast, though it's been a work in progress in our minds for the past year or so. My husband and I are giddy with excitement, and keep high-fiving each other randomly throughout the day.
As much as we've loved the city, we are very excited to start the next chapter in our lives..IN THE SUBURBS!
*It's crazy to even say that out loud*
So tell me—where do you live with your family, and why is it the right choice for you?