An Ode to Motherhood

A sleepless nighttime rhyme

An Ode to Motherhood

It’s 2AM and I have puke in my hair
I’ve just changed your diaper and there’s pee everywhere.
Half asleep, I stumble and make my way back to bed.
Hoping you’ll fall asleep once you’re fed.

I whip the boob out, and you latch like a pro!
It's our late night routine: the Cole & Jen show.
Two hours later, like the night before
You wake me again: you want some more!
And just when I think we might get some rest
I feel you flailing, you're punching my breast.
You're grunting and snorting—are you awake, or asleep?
I try to roll over without a peep.
Nope. No luck. You're awake. And it's five.
How can new mothers stay alive?
With such little sleep, night after night.
I knew it would be like this, but it just isn't right.
I look down at my shirt: is it clean enough to wear outside?
Oh who gives a shit—let's be honest, I have no pride!
With you in my carrier, we take the dog out for a walk.
I hope the neighbours don't see me. They'll surely want to talk!
And I haven't brushed my teeth, I have creases on my face
At least I'm wearing underwear—and damnit all—they're lace!
I may look like a wreck to you, but at least I know inside
that a sexy woman once lived here - and she will be revived!
But before she is revived, she has a lot of shit to do.
And a lot of shit to clean—and I literally mean POO.
Poo, poo, poo, poo and sometimes there's a pee.
More shit, poo, ca-ca and crap. And then you piss on me.
Your penis flails around like a fireman's strong hose.
You pee on the wall, you pee on your face—even up your nose.
I'm sorry my dear, I can't help but laugh as it hits you in the face.
You're such a mess, but I don't care. Now we both look like a disgrace!
As I strip you down to clean you (again), your big blue eyes meet mine
And in that moment—with that grin, I know that we'll be just fine.
No matter how many late nights, no matter how much pee
We can handle anything: little you and me.
Once you're clean I snuggle you close and you lean against my chest.
I wouldn't trade this time with you: it truly is the best.

Me as a New Mom

Is motherhood how I imagined it?

Me as a New Mom

Last week I met up with Erica and she pointed her finger at me sternly and said "You MUST write a post about what it's like to be a new mom: was it anything like what you expected?" And then she threatened to beat me up if I didn't write it!

So I write you this blog post out of fear and obligation...

(I'm totally joking, btw. Erica is the sweetest person in the universe—though she is super fit and could definitely kick my ass. So I will take her advice and write a post on this topic anyway...) haha.

Well, to be honest, being a new Mom is almost exactly what I expected. 

Maybe it's because I have such awesome friends who have painted such clear pictures of motherhood? Maybe it's because I asked a lot of questions? Or maybe it's because I have a great imagination and visualize scenarios so well? 

Regardless, I have to admit: I love being a mother and it is very similar to how I imagined it would be. With that said, there have been a few surprises along the way. Here they are—in list form, because I love lists.

 The first thing that came as a surprise being a new mom was a superficial surprise...MY BABY WASN'T UGLY!!!

Truly, Tyler and I had set our expectations pretty low. We both had large heads, and we both have sensitive skin so we imagined our baby would have patchy red skin, a big head, and generally be pretty ugly. Well, to our pleasant surprise, Cole was born with a smooth complexion and a very average-sized head. On top of that, he didn't have that wrinkly old-man look. He was actually really CUTE! (Though I won't lie, I think old-man looking babies are so ugly, they're cute! Like hairless cats.)

 Secondly, I WASN'T PREPARED FOR HOW FORCEFULLY MY HEART WOULD EXPLODE WITH LOVE. I knew that there was no way I could prepare for this love, and was excited to see how it would come over me and fill my heart. And fill my heart it did. And my chest, and my limbs, and every hair on my head. From the moment Cole was born, I felt a new purpose in this life: to protect and love my baby forever. This feeling, as amazing as it is, is also incredibly scary. For the first two weeks I would break down bawling every day, like clockwork, at 5pm. I don't know why that time of day would trigger the waterworks, but I cried into many bowls of pasta and plates of stir-fry those first few weeks. Dinnertime was synonymous with "bawl my eyes out time." They were equally tears of joy and fear. Joy because I felt so complete, so loved, and so blessed. Yet fear because I would worry about everything that could ever harm my child: accidents, illness, paper cuts! I felt such an extreme sense of responsibility (as I should) to keep my child alive and safe. It scared me to think that if I couldn't breastfeed properly—my child wouldn't EAT (I forgot formula was an option). It scared me to think of how fragile Cole was! What if I fell down the stairs? What if I dropped him? What if something happened to me while I was home alone with him? What if I accidentally put him out with the recycling? (kidding) 

But seriously, the most ridiculous thoughts would creep into my mind all of the time. But I had two phrases that I had to repeat to myself to get through those first two weeks.

"People dumber than I have successfully raised children." (I'm sorry if that's awful, but it helped me feel less incompetent and made me giggle)

"We are a team." My husband said this to me one night when I was bawling during one of my dinnertime cry-fests. I would repeat this phrase to myself when I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep. It helped me feel less alone, and I knew that no matter what I would always have Tyler there to help me. I wasn't alone. We could do this together.


I used to be someone who would accomplish 5-10 tasks in a day. Now I am happy if I can accomplish just one. 

"Congratulations Jen, you unloaded the dishwasher!" If I can manage to add a few business phone calls in there too, I consider myself a freaking hero. I thought this might be hard for me to accept, but I've really just had to tell myself to relax, enjoy this time and realize that I can get more done later. It's hard when you're used to doing everything and being superwoman, but guess what? I still am superwoman! I'm helping a human being grow! That's freaking awesome. I think I should make myself a cape and start calling myself SuperWarman! Except, making a cape would be too much effort right now, so I'll just think about it...

Anyway, Cole is overheating in his ergo baby carrier (which he and I both love) so I'll wrap this up.

Task for the day: Write a post. Complete!! Woo Hoo.




A Little Gift at My Doorstep

Thanks Playtex!

A Little Gift at My Doorstep

The other day I was sitting on the couch feeding Cole, when all of the sudden my mini-schnauzer (who has little dog syndrome) lost his mind and ran towards the door barking. Oh great. An un-announced visitor, and I haven’t showered or put deodorant on in days. Awesome. I quickly un-latched the baby, and wiped vomit off my shoulder. I ran to the door to discover two large brown parcels. Woo Hoo! Presents! I love presents! The only question was: who were they from?

Once I got them upstairs I realized they were a gift from my first-ever blog sponsor: PLAYTEX!

That’s right, I feel like a real celebrity athlete. I’m the next Sidney Crosby (minus the day job where I get paid millions of dollars...and the high-budget commercials where I’d get to drink sports drinks and produce neon-coloured sweat...) But hey Playtex, if you’re reading this, I would totally be up for a commercial shoot. I’m just putting it out there. ;)

But in the meantime I get to write this blog for all you YMC ladies and gents to read and Playtex will sponsor me for the next year as I write about and review some of their products along the way. 

So let’s get back to the gifts, shall we? I was so pumped, I took a picture:

A Diaper Genie (high five to you Playtex!) and a gift basket full of awesome little gems: bowls, spoons, drop-ins bottles, ventaire bottles, teethers, pacifiers, a stuffed frog, a blanket, and more! I was in baby-gift heaven, and decided to waste no time ripping open the boxes.

First things first: let’s try a pacifier (though I’m not going to lie, my heart cried a little bit). I was really hesitant. I didn’t want Lucinda and Reba (my breasts) to be jealous, but at the same time Cole was in desperate need of some soothing that didn’t involve feeding, so...I popped in the soother. There was a bit of disinterest at first and a furrowed brow that said “WTF Mom?” but then after about a minute, the baby latched right on and began suckling himself into a deep slumber.


I promptly laid him down in his bassinet and accomplished about 100 things in 20 minutes, because that’s what you learn to do as a new mom when your baby sleeps! (Insert gospel hallelujah music here.)

Anyway, you’ll be hearing more from me in the coming months regarding this cool sponsorship and in the meantime I’ll be on the Playtex Mommyville website while I wait for them to call me regarding our upcoming commercial. No pressure. 

Oh and by the way, I won’t get out of bed for less than 5 million, and there must be a bowl of red M&M’s on set...and a litter of lab puppies for Cole and me to play with when we are done filming. I'm kidding. Mostly.