I seem to be sporting a perpetual bruise from face-desking lately. In the latest news: Herbal Womb Detox Pearls, the latest perfumed herbal woo brought to us from a US company called Embrace Pangaea (which I refuse to link to on the grounds that it might give them a tiny splinter of credibility).
The company claims that it aids to correct conditions such as endometriosis, ovarian cysts, and thrush. It helps "cleanse the womb and return it to a balance state" by "flushing out toxins." AHAHAHAHA.
Your vagina (and your man), will thank you after you use these https://t.co/9Wx4fIEH0m pic.twitter.com/XscBbvmPOh— xoNecole (@xonecole) January 12, 2016
Fortunately Dr. Jen Gunter, a US gynecologist, wrote a scathing blog post with one of my new all-time favourite quotes ever: "Your uterus isn’t tired or depressed or dirty and your vagina has not misplaced its chakra. ... The vagina is a self-cleaning oven."
Well, thank GOD. And here I was thinking we were all going to have to jump in on Gwynnie's steamy clam-bake.
That quote almost made up for the fact that people who have jumped aboard this vag-jay-jay pain train have been posting photos of the results of their miracle cleanse, and that some of those photos were linked to the bottom of her article.
I actually highly, highly recommend you don't!!! scroll down on her post. Or even click through to it.
OH MY GOD WHY DID I SEE THIS. WHY.
Listen: stuffing magic herbs in holes is for chickens, destined for the oven. Not grown women. It's going to massively irritate you at best (see photos at your own risk) and could be downright dangerous at worst. But naturally, it seems like common sense's kryptonite is the words "cleanse" and "toxin." And frankly, I'm getting a little horrified at the fact that people have been unusually obsessed recently with using their crack to cook with.
Yes, I'm talking about the placenta-eaters and the bloggers who are making bread and yogurt.
1- Naturally fermented sour pickles.
Even if they're doing double duty in the bedroom. Actually, especially then.
2 - Craft Micro-brewed Beer.
But if you're going to make it, I suggest the name "Hoo-has and Hops." And you better give me credit.
3 - Kimchi
Coochie Kimchi. I'm almost afraid to Google this already.
4 - Cheese
For the love of all that is holy, do NOT f*ck with my favourite food. If you ruin cheese for me by coming up with some sort of Front-Bottom soft-spread, I will end you.
5 - Fermented Ketchup
The possibilities here are terrifying. Especially "28 days later..."
6 - Champagne
I have seen how they add yeast to the brewing. Keep it away from the panty hamster, woman.
Seriously, this list is not a challenge. Keep dinner out of the lady-holes.
And if you can't help yourself, at least do us the favour of keeping your culinary cooter cooties off social media.