I seem to be sporting a perpetual bruise from face-desking lately. In the latest news: Herbal Womb Detox Pearls, the latest perfumed herbal woo brought to us from a US company called Embrace Pangaea (which I refuse to link to on the grounds that it might give them a tiny splinter of credibility).
The company claims that it aids to correct conditions such as endometriosis, ovarian cysts, and thrush. It helps "cleanse the womb and return it to a balance state" by "flushing out toxins." AHAHAHAHA.
Your vagina (and your man), will thank you after you use these https://t.co/9Wx4fIEH0m pic.twitter.com/XscBbvmPOh— xoNecole (@xonecole) January 12, 2016
Fortunately Dr. Jen Gunter, a US gynecologist, wrote a scathing blog post with one of my new all-time favourite quotes ever: "Your uterus isn’t tired or depressed or dirty and your vagina has not misplaced its chakra. ... The vagina is a self-cleaning oven."
Well, thank GOD. And here I was thinking we were all going to have to jump in on Gwynnie's steamy clam-bake.
That quote almost made up for the fact that people who have jumped aboard this vag-jay-jay pain train have been posting photos of the results of their miracle cleanse, and that some of those photos were linked to the bottom of her article.
I actually highly, highly recommend you don't!!! scroll down on her post. Or even click through to it.
OH MY GOD WHY DID I SEE THIS. WHY.
Listen: stuffing magic herbs in holes is for chickens, destined for the oven. Not grown women. It's going to massively irritate you at best (see photos at your own risk) and could be downright dangerous at worst. But naturally, it seems like common sense's kryptonite is the words "cleanse" and "toxin." And frankly, I'm getting a little horrified at the fact that people have been unusually obsessed recently with using their crack to cook with.
Yes, I'm talking about the placenta-eaters and the bloggers who are making bread and yogurt.
1- Naturally fermented sour pickles.
Even if they're doing double duty in the bedroom. Actually, especially then.
2 - Craft Micro-brewed Beer.
But if you're going to make it, I suggest the name "Hoo-has and Hops." And you better give me credit.
3 - Kimchi
Coochie Kimchi. I'm almost afraid to Google this already.
4 - Cheese
For the love of all that is holy, do NOT f*ck with my favourite food. If you ruin cheese for me by coming up with some sort of Front-Bottom soft-spread, I will end you.
5 - Fermented Ketchup
The possibilities here are terrifying. Especially "28 days later..."
6 - Champagne
I have seen how they add yeast to the brewing. Keep it away from the panty hamster, woman.
Seriously, this list is not a challenge. Keep dinner out of the lady-holes.
And if you can't help yourself, at least do us the favour of keeping your culinary cooter cooties off social media.
It's gotten to be that Superbowl-ey time of year. Well, technically it's January, and many people are doing Veganuary or some sort of weird juice cleanse, but for me, winter is all about the comfort food. In my nearly-40s, I've come to admit that I would rather love my extra pounds rather than be hangry and cheese-deprived for months on end.
Where was I? Oh right, Superbowl. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it. Anyhow, I was on Pinterest looking for some inspiration and someone had some weird thing they called a meatloaf melt or some such. Ah meatloaf, that delicious creation of hamburger that's so horribly awful to photograph and saddled with an unfortunate name. I love me a good meatloaf, despite it's unphotogenic properties. But this one was photogenic.
And it looked amazing. Homer-drool-worthy, even.
By force of will, I forced myself to refrain from licking the screen. Then I did what I hardly ever do: I clicked the pin. And went... to a spam site. Which is why I almost never click the pins unless it's like, a rich-pin verified site (incidentally YMC's Pinterest is rich pin now! And you follow us, right?!:). Anyway, after a brief stab of disappointment, I realized: Hey! I'm a food blogger. I have a meatloaf recipe. How hard can it be?
And the answer is: it's not. In fact, this is so easy any student with access to a hot iron, a slice of mom's leftover meatloaf, and a little creativity in dorm cooking can make it. Or a regular human being with access to a stove and a frying pan.
It's just like a grilled cheese, except more manly and so dripping-with-ketchup-and-ground-beef goodness. If you have leftover meatloaf, make this! Or if you're having a bunch of guys over for the big Superbowl game, make this then, too. In fact, make it anytime at all.
And then invite me over, because I would never say no to a meatloaf grilled cheese.
Oh, you need a meatloaf recipe? I've got you covered.
1 1/2 lbs lean ground beef
1 cup finely chopped onion
1 cup cracker crumbs (or bread crumbs)
3/4 cup milk
1 tablespoon soy sauce
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
fresh cracked black pepper to taste
1/3 cup ketchup
2 tablespoons yellow mustard
2 tablespoons brown sugar
Preheat the oven to 350F and lightly grease a bread loaf tin.
In a small bowl, combine the sugar, mustard, and ketchup.
In a large bowl, combine everything else and mix it well with your hands.
Press it into the loaf pan and top with the ketchup sauce. Bake for 1 hour, or until cooked through.
Drain, slice, and serve! Or make the grilled cheese.
Sliced Monterey Jack, Jalapeno Monterey, or aged Cheddar cheese (pick your favourite!)
Great sliced bread (sourdough or French stick... oval loaves suit the height of meatloaf better anyway)
Leftover sliced meatloaf
In a frying pan on medium heat, fry the slices of meatloaf till hot through.
Butter two pieces of bread, place one face down on the frying pan, top with the cheese, heated meatloaf, and other slice of bread. Grill the bread as you would a regular grilled cheese, holding the sandwich together as you flip it.
Slice, serve and eat while hot and ooey gooey melty!
The Cheeseburger Soup You're Going To Want To Make and Eat RIGHT NOW