Jun
30
2016

Under What Circumstances Would You Want Your Vagina to Play Music?

Waste not, want not

Under What Circumstances Would You Want Your Vagina to Play Music?

Vagina Music via the Babypod | YummyMummyClub.ca

I'm thinking of hanging up my apron and taking a new job talking about all the new age products people are creating to stick in their lady parts. Because perhaps you’ve heard of this thing they’re calling “The Babypod Revolution.” The Babypod happens to be a speaker you can connect to your iPod and then stick up your hoo-ha so that your unborn can enjoy music.  The revolution part is anybody’s guess, because I don’t see an oppressed mass of unborn fetuses armed with pitchforks trying to overthrow an established order of vaginal speakers.

Whatever. Let’s take a ride along this joy train and shell out $137 USD (!?) so that junior can enjoy Bach, and sometimes your guilty pleasure, Ariana Grande, in crystal clarity without being muffled by your preggo belly flab. Your kid is born, hopefully smarter for your investment, and all is right with the world.

But “Waste not” is a saying my own parents drilled into me. My mom (bless her frugal farm-girl soul) would be in such a pucker about the thought of spending $137 USD for bajina boom box that you use for a kid or two and throw away that I can just about imagine her imploding in a poof of indignation and wallet dust. So naturally, the first thing I think about such devices is don’t throw it away. PAID TOO MUCH MONEY TO THROW IT AWAY.

Second thought is… so… now what?

Regifting seems like it might be frowned upon. Recycling might cause the garbage men to boycott my house.

Time to repurpose.

Set the mood for sexytime

Who doesn’t love a little music playing when they’re getting taken to funkytown? Build yourself a list  just for the hubs, drop your pants, and let the music play.

I’m partial to the 80s myself, so here’s a few songs I recommend adding to your iTunes playlist:

  • Get into the Groove – Madonna
  • Come on Eileen – Dexys Midnight Runners
  • Down Under – Men at Work
  • I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That) – Meatloaf
  • Maniac – Michael Sembello
  • You Give Love A Bad Name – Bon Jovi

Speaking of the 80s, bring back some romantic gestures Say Anything style.

It’s 2016. Equal opportunity, and stuff. Women can serenade the man. It’s time to rethink that boom box serenade.

Own a stereo system as portable as you are

Hiking? Check. Beach parties? Fo sho. Family barbecues? Yep. And I bet you’d be the hottest DJ at Bar Mitzvahs.

Have your own personal sound track controlled by your iPhone

Load with appropriate 30 second clips.

Play your hero theme whenever you enter a room.

Play the Star Wars love theme whenever your husband enters the room.

Plays suspense music when threatening to ground your kids.

Load up ricochet noises, pretend you're Wonder Woman, and deflect [email protected]*%.

See? Entertainment for friends and the whole family.

Creep people the f*#! Out

The Halloween possibilities are legion. Imagine wind and bat sounds coming from the vicinity of your underpants.

Hit the Gym

You can have your favourite tunes playing during your workout, you’re losing weight, AND throwing in some bonus kegel exercises. That’s like a win-win-win. Everybody wins. Except the guy on the treadmill next to you, losing his mind trying to figure out where your awesome workout mix is coming from. But feck that guy; this isn’t about him.

 RELATED: Do Not Stuff Your Vagina With Herbs (or Spices) Please

Jun
20
2016

The New Facebook Emojis, Explained

Can't figure out the new emojis? We can help.

The New Facebook Emojis, Explained

Facebook stealthily rolled out a bunch of brand new emojis in 2016. If you're old, like me, but young enough to enjoy using emojis, you probably spent a good amount of time which one accurately represented the feelings you were trying to convey. Well, fear not: I have decoded the 2016 emojis for your ease of use. 

"I'm happy! I might have spruced up my morning coffee with a judicious shot of vodka, and therefore I'm high on life!"

 

"I've had a second cup of juiced up coffee, I'm getting slightly inebriated, and may have the giggles."

 

Yes, it looks like there's an identical happy face on the same line, and you may have spent 20 minutes trying to decide if there's a difference between the two. So here's the difference: Serial killers choose this happy icon.* Don't be a psychopath. Make sure you use the right happy emoji.

* This ascertation is based on absolutely no scientific proof whatsoever except my observation that many days it does feel like 50% of the internet is psycho.

"I'm too lazy to type LOL and/or may have actually cracked a smile IRL."

 

"I know this isn't Tinder but I'm flirting with you (in case you can't tell) and would like to bear your Facebook children."

 

"This is like a thumbs up, only without any potential of passive aggressive in it."

 

"I haven't had nearly enough coffee yet to deal with you, and I'm actively trying not to eat your face. Please leave me aloooone."

 

"I'm happy and I have something against slightly upward pointed eyeballs in emojis."

 

"Your face and/or something you may have shown me a picture of looks delicious."

 

"I'm happy and bordering on passive-aggressive due to being sleepy and/or bored."

 

"Pucker up, buttercup."

 

"DUCKFACE!"

 

"I'm blushing like a teenager at the idea of getting smooched by you and/or caught making duckface."

 

"I am a socially-awkward creepy person who wants to make out with you while staring into your eyeballs from 1.2 inches away."

 

"Na na na boo boo!"

 

"Your comment gave me a stroke."

 

"I'm drooling thinking about BBQing your face for dinner."

 

"I refuse to relinquish B-) to the 90s where it belongs, goddamnit. MY GENERATION INVENTED THE INTERNET."

 

"I have done something terrible and it involves you somehow. #YOLO."

 

"Do you ever have the feeling that someone's watching you? Like...  me?"

 

"I may have crapped my pants."

 

"I definitely have crapped my pants."

 

"I am constipated," and/or "Your comment was so awful it gave me a painful bowel obstruction."

 

"I AM AN ANGRY FIRE-BREATHING DRAGON! RAWR!"

 

"Oh s%*t."

 

"Oh s%*t." Now with new and improved eyebrow action!

 

"Oh s%*t!!!!" and/or "I hope you have insurance for this."

 

"Wow, dude."

 

"I am a goldfish."

 

"This sucks," and/or "I'm unhappy."

 

"I'm horrified, mostly because I've done something similar and I don't want to go to jail."

 

"I am visually conveying to you my profound sadness."

 

"I am ugly crying and literally have snot pouring down my face."

 

"Cry me a river so I can paddle down it in a canoe while playing the world's smallest violin for you."

 

"I can't figure out what response is least likely to offend you."

 

"Potato."