I wouldn’t suggest I’m an expert in parenting. As a new(ish) mom, I’m muddling through like many are, making game time decisions and frequently finding myself outsmarted by a 15-month-old. However, in my career I’ve been managing boisterous gaggles of children for many years, herding motley groups into effective learning situations with some success. And in that time, I’ve learned a thing or two about discipline that I try to remember to apply at home.
Here are a few bits of advice from my time in the teaching trenches. Maybe they will help you too.
Be Consistent
The most important guideline is also one of the hardest to stick to, at least for me. Once you’ve set out a rule and its consequence, you must stick with it. For example, I will say to a student, “If you disrupt the class one more time, then you owe me 5 minutes of recess.” Often, another disruption soon follows. The student will then plead, “Please, Ms. Chawla, I won’t do it again. Can I have another chance?” The answer must be no. They get a fresh start after recess and that is their other chance. I can’t back down once a consequence has been meted out—although, many times I want to and the rule breaking student is often highly persuasive.
Once a rule is internalized and followed by rote, then you can switch it up from time to time, with some explanation. “For special today, you can stay up 15 extra minutes and read your new book.” But, switches should be few and far between. Kids do well when they can predict the day and know what is expected of them. Seasoned teachers will tell you, they are extra strict in September and it sets up the expectations all the year through.
Articulate a rule. Explain why it’s important. Discuss what the penalty will be for breaking the rule. Make sure the penalty is enforced, EVERY SINGLE TIME. It's ok to change a rule based on the situation (always wear shoes at school, don’t wear shoes at home), but it’s never a good idea to threaten a consequence and not follow through.
Be Fair
The punishment must fit the crime and the rules must reflect something within a child’s control. I never take a kid’s entire recess. Not just because I need to use the bathroom during that break, but also because kids need a break. The most disruptive kids are usually the ones who need it most. It would be unfair to do so.
Also unfair would be to hold a child accountable for something outside their control. Back in the day, students would be punished for things like low achievement in reading. A child might be made to stand in the hallway or at the front of the room, hoping such punishment would shame them into better marks. Thank goodness times have changed and now we understand that we need to teach this child differently. You cannot “consequence” a kid into reading better, any more than you can “consequence” them into growing taller. Trying to punish a kid for not achieving something will create anxiety during that task, which will make the task even harder.
Remember a child’s age and abilities when setting your expectations. Toddlers are made to squirm, run, and play. Don’t expect them to sit quietly through a long dinner at great Aunt Ester’s without making drum sticks out of the cutlery. A child’s ability to sit still improves slightly with age, so adjust your expectations and activities accordingly.
You can expect your kid to make their bed, but don’t expect hospital corners.
Be Proactive
Kids, like husbands, often need reminders. They benefit from redirecting their behaviour before a transgression occurs. In my classroom, I spend a lot of time making sure my expectations are clear and fresh in their minds. “When you receive your test paper, put your name on top and work quietly on the task. Don’t forget to try your best.” Far better to anticipate where things may go wrong than to react after the fact. Try reminding your kids of routines and offering preemptive encouragement before trouble arises. “Don’t forget to tidy your room before coming down for breakfast.” “Remember, we don’t run in Grandma’s house.”
When you see your child about to go down a slippery slope, offer the rope to pull them back up. Remind them if a change in behaviour is expected as an activity changes—for example, when the giggly crew in the backseat is about to accompany you into a store, give them time to calm down first.
If you were to listen in on a classroom at any given time, you would often hear teachers helping kids see when they are getting close to the line. “Jack, are you focused on your own work? Sarah, do you need some help starting your test? Abdullah, I’d like you to move over here, away from Aidan, where you will focus better.” A small intervention can go a long way to prevent future upset.
Be Funny
It’s ok to have a bit of fun. Discipline doesn’t always have to be so serious. Sometimes a little laughter is all it takes to get your point across. I have a group of grade eight boys who spend a lot of time in my classroom. This group never really gets out of control, but they often walk rather closely to the line of “disallowed” behaviour. They can be rowdy, unfocussed, and require a lot of the aforementioned redirection to get through a task. And, like many boys, they like to express their friendship by making fun of each other.
For some reason, they respond well when I say something like this: “Jeff, when you tease Karl you may cause an ouchie in his feelings. Then we will have to sit down together and make a plan to Band-Aid that ouchie. Please use your kind words.” Now, I have built enough rapport with these guys that they know I’m not actually condescending them. This kind of statement usually results in a smile from these kids while having an added bonus of stopping the unwanted behaviour.
The point is, you can lighten up, have a giggle and still remind kids to stick to the rules.
Be Kind
Never be punitive or belittle kids. Discipline needs to come from a place of caring. Make sure kids know that even if you don’t approve of their choice or of their behaviour, you always approve of them. It’s not a good idea to tell children that they are naughty or bad—far better to explain that they are awesome, but their choice was not so awesome. Be clear about how a choice or behaviour was wrong and plan for it to be different next time. And during that conversation, it’s a great time to reassure your child that you still love them and they light up your life, even if they are serving a night off technology for writing a rude word on their locker door.
Sometimes, the best thing you can do is build up your child’s self-esteem, while still penalizing their behaviour. Be empathetic. Understand your kids have rough days and hurt feelings that contribute to their behaviour. This doesn't mean you excuse unacceptable behaviour, but it is a good idea to talk about what may lead a child to those choices. Sometimes naming a feeling for a child does wonders to calm their behaviour.
Remember, even when it comes to discipline, it’s all about love! Enjoy the journey.
As a parent, is it ever okay to discipline someone else's child?
When it comes to punishment, this mom's stroke of ingenuity has her using her children's misbehaviour to her advantage.
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