You Will Never Sleep Again
I know it hurts you to read it. It hurt me to write it. I don't enjoy taking away your hope. You may not even believe me but you need to trust me on this—I wouldn't lie to you. Not like all those mothers who lied to me.
You WILL sleep through the night again because eventually, all children do. But it will never be on a consistent basis.
Because if it’s not waking up to be fed, it’s waking up because they're teething, or because they had a nightmare, or they’re sick, or heard a noise, or they're too hot, too cold, too sweaty, too chilly, the light is on and it's bothering them, the light is off and they're scared, their blankets came off, they have too many blankets, they fell out of bed, their stuffed animal is missing...or any of the other hundred million different reasons that will disrupt their sleep.
So get used to it. Enjoy the sleep when you can get it but also resign yourself to the fact that you will never again sleep like you slept pre-children.
Children Are Liars
One day your children may come to you and beg for a hamster. They will tell you how they saved their money because this is the only thing in the world they want. They will never ask you for anything else ever again if you let them get this adoring hamster. They’ll feed it and give it water and clean the cage, just please please please let them get a hamster.
They’re lying. Don’t do it.
Wanna See Something Freaky?
If your children ask you “Do you want to see something freaky?” no matter how much every instinct in your body screams "No!" you really need to go see the freaky thing.
In completely unrelated news, cat hair grows back faster than you’d think.
Love 'em or hate 'em, you will spend an inordinate amount of time in big box stores.
You Will Never Stop Worrying
There are books for every age and stage that answer every question and tackle every topic imaginable but no matter how many answers you get, you will always worry. Old worries don't go away, they are simply traded in for new worries. For two years you worried because your child wouldn't sleep through the night and now he does. This leaves room for you to worry about how long your toddler can live off a diet of only beige food. It's like upgrading your leased car, but with grey hair.