Ladies, I have a pregnancy secret to share with you. Gentlemen, cover your ears, you don’t want to hear this (just trust me on this one!).
There’s an asteroid approaching earth and it's closer than you may think. It’s floating about three feet above ground level and its impending impact is causing distress amongst those closest to its centre.
Ever wonder what caused the Big Bang? I can tell you—God was twenty months hugely, uncomfortably pregnant with a bowling ball in Her arse and an arse in Her ribcage, when an innocent toot sent asteroids exploding into the atmosphere. The lethal mix of gas and matter is why we’re all here today.
Allow Me To Burst Your Bubble
See, it doesn’t matter whether you escaped the doughnut pillow in your first pregnancy, or even your second. It doesn’t matter if you’ve had two c-sections. And it really (REALLY) doesn’t matter that you’re ingesting so much fiber that you can keep a village regular. When that baby drops on your poor, weak pelvic floor, all it takes is one lethal toot, an uncomfortable waddle to the water cooler, or any other seemingly innocuous action, to make you feel like you’ve discovered the secrets of the Universe—a.k.a the (shhhh...) hemorrhoid!
Don’t get too comfortable. Remember the Ice Age? That was hell freezing over.
Now stop laughing before you piss your pants—we both know those kegels won’t help you here (and if you don’t know that yet, you’re about to find out!).