My little girl was born at the start of the Covid-19 pandemic. With one full rotation around the sun almost complete, my husband and I have decided it’s time to try for another child through I.V.F.
After a phone conversation with my amazing doctor, I was buzzing with excitement, an excitement that slowly turned to uncertainty as negative thoughts and nagging questions started to fill my head.
If I choose to have another child, what will the birth be like? Will I lack support? Will I be alone?
Is bringing a baby in this current world a selfish act? What does the future hold for us? Do I get the Covid-19 vaccine? These questions, and many more, haunt me on a daily basis. I know in my heart I need to deal with their intrusiveness head-on and so I do, using techniques to bat them away allowing me to focus on the good in my life.
Here are a few of the ways I fight the thoughts:
At any given moment, you can catch me walking around the house smiling at my coffee mug, at my bagel with cream cheese, and when they are not barking at the courier delivering my latest impulse buy, my dogs. I feel silly at first and then start to laugh at how ridiculous I must look. I feel the tension leave my shoulders.
I don’t dare drink that third cup of coffee in the morning or that second glass of wine at night, no matter how tempting it is. This one small act helps keep my mind from racing.
I leave the house as often as I can without actually going anywhere. My husband pokes fun at me because I spend over thirty minutes going to the mailbox at the end of my driveway.
I began keeping a gratitude journal. I write three things I am thankful for every day. This helps keep my mind on the positives in my life, even if those three things are coffee, wine and a walk to the mailbox.
Coffee in the morning, make breakfast for the family, sit down at the table to eat, YouTube mommy and me classes in the living room, vacuuming the same rug for the tenth time, and our famous after dinner dance parties. Shower, sleep, wake up, and repeat. The routine is comforting.
The most important thing I tell myself is that I have no control of the future, and that’s okay. I can and will control the worrying.
I am trying to live in the moment, be present and not let the negative thoughts boil over. I would be lying if I said it was easy. There is no way of knowing if what I am doing is right or wrong. But life has to go on, right?
I am not going to let these anxieties rob any more time. Even with the uncertainties, we have decided to go full speed ahead. With a little bit of faith and a lot of science, we will be expecting again.