Ali Martell: Straight Up, With a Twist


How To Become a Pageant Mom in Ten Easy Steps.

Do It the Toddlers & Tiaras Way

1. You must have THE CRAZY EYES.

2. You must have "prayed and prayed and prayed that God would give you Miss America."

3. You must tell everyone that "pageants are a good stepping stool for a future career in modeling."

4. You must be able to teach your child to recite THE BOOKS OF THE BIBLE for the talent portion of the competition. Or how to dress like Dolly Parton. Or Julia Roberts' character in Pretty Woman (Read: LADY OF THE NIGHT). 

5. You must feel comfortable saying that your one-year-old WAS HORRIBLE when she was, you know, being a one-year-old.

6. And then you must bounce back from a horrible performance by giving your child some extra sugar for energy in the form of Pixy Stix. Wash it down with THE SPECIAL JUICE** (**Coca-Cola)

7. You must want to live vicariously through your children and you must equate pageanting to "having your own personal Barbie doll to play with" and you must be willing to spend $1500 per dress. You must perform your child's entire routine from the audience while she is up on the Toddlers & Tiaras stage hoping for a GRAND SUPREME title.

8. You must be very into spray tanners and eyebrow waxing and fake eyelashes and duct-taping dresses to skin and FLIPPERS. Please note: These aren't for you; they are for your CHILD. Please also note: Flippers are fake teeth. Please note: When you tell the audience that your child loves getting tanned and getting waxed, we know you are lying through your flippers. Please note: Botox?

9. You must be okay with your daughter's dreams being about "GOING TO VEGAS TO DANCE."

10. You must name your child something either after a place—see: Brooklyn and Paris. OR you must use the most bizarre spelling possible—see: Karmen, Camryn, Brittannie, Lynsie, and Kelci.