Songs Our Kids Sing That Make Us Want to Unplug the Internet. Forever.

We were told that our children having access to the internet would bring about a new renaissance of sorts. Our kids would be computer literate; they'd be able to research amazing things and take classes from people half a world away. Alas, the only thing I've discovered from having our kids using computers in school is a riddle: what do narwhals, tacos, foxes and Youtube have in common?

The answer is: they will all be used to make you want to unplug the internet, move into a cave, and weep for humanity.

But since that's not doable, here's how you get over it.

PPAP

The first time I saw PPAP, I was struck with a vaguely uncomfortable feeling. It's the same kind you get when someone sticks a pen into a pineapple in an (extremely) vaguely sexual manner. And you kind of feel embarrassed for them. Which I guess is exactly what PPAP is all about. Because I don't know wtf else this guy is doing. Was he drunk? Was it a dare-gone-viral? I don't know!

Although the rhythm is fairly catchy. And thankfully, it's blissfully short. And at least the dude looked like he was having a good time.

How to recover: chug a glass of wine and forget you ever saw it.

Gummy Bear

I don't actually know the backstory to this particular spawn of Satan, and I'm okay with not knowing. But I do it's old enough to have long gone the way of the dodo, and it somehow hasn't. And I know that someone put it on Just Dance Kids, probably to appease some sort of dark lord who takes joy in chaos and suffering.

How to recover: prayer and noise-cancelling headsets until your children get tired of it or they turn into teenagers, whichever comes first.

HEYYEYAAEYAAAEYAEYAA

Yes, that's the actual title of this song.

I saw this little puppy the first time it came around in the year of approximately 2010. And I thought it was pretty funny then, that someone had spent the time to re-edit He Man, that old chestnut. I watched it, I laughed, I even enjoyed gifs of it for years to come.

Did you know there's a freaking 10 hour mix of this song? I DO NOW, THANKS TO MY CHILD.

How to recover: sing HEYYEYAAEYAAAEYAEYAA and rock out with the song (badly) until your kid no longer thinks it's cool, because paybacks are a bitch, son.

What Does The Fox Say?

Kid says Yay!

Mom says Nope.

Dad says Bye.

But what does the fox say?

THE FOX SAYS ARE YOU F**KING KIDDING ME, THIS SONG STILL?

How to recover: Send the child to your Mother-In-Law's house to annoy someone else with the song.

Tunak Tunak Tun

I love Canada. I love multiculturalism. And I love the idea that an Indian guy wearing a neon orange velour robe could become a worldwide music sensation.

I'm totally glad this guy had his 5 minutes of fame and I love him. But whoever made the 10 hour mix of this song, and the one where it speeds up every time he claps, and all the other variations of this?

And whoever keeps digging them up from the graveyard of the internet for my kid to play after about 10 years?

I don't love you. No. Not one bit.

How to Recover: Introduce your kid to Alice Cooper.

Narwhals

Being annoying pays off. Don't believe me? Ask Sprint. They used this unholy terror from 2009 in a commercial in 2015 about their unlimited plan. "How will you remember Sprint's unlimited data plan? Narwhals. Good luck forgetting that."

F**K YOU SPRINT. And you too, MrWeebl. As if Badger Badger Badger wasn't enough for me to have to brainbleach out.

How to Recover: Unknown. The only thing you can do is turn to a less annoying brain worm and try to replace it.

The Taco Song

I have ROBLOX to blame for this one. This "open source" lair of crappy games with premises directly ripped off from other games also directly rips off music. Some of the music is pretty good, and I'm impressed that they've managed to introduce my kids to, say, GOA dance and Daft Punk.

I don't know where they ripped this one off from, however, although I SUSPECT it was from someone's 10 hour (of course) mix of it on Youtube. And I wish they had never discovered it. Because the taco song on nonstop repeat for hours at a time makes you ragey, and curiously hungry for tacos.

How to recover: Demagnetize the speakers in all your child's devices, and then go out for Taco Bell.

The Hamsterdance Song

This is the proof that the internet really truly is forever. Before smartphones, before Snapchat, before Youtube, before even Facebook... in the dark ages of the internet, circa late 90s... when people were using MySpace, when most of North America still was using frigging dial-up, the Hamsterdance Song was born on a page just like the one that starts this video. Without the 2.

I know, cause I was there to see it.

And it won't... go... away.

How to recover: Join a hippie commune where you'll never encounter internet again, cause there's no other hope.

Nyan Cat

Thanks to Reddit, I saw this cute little gif someone made of a cat poptart bouncing through space, shitting rainbows. In true Internet fashion, it was a matter of 24 hours before someone decided to put music to it. And it became Nyan Cat.

And then someone decided to make it a game that my kid loves, because of course they did.

How to recover: I recommend superglue on the volume control of your chilld's devices, after you've set it to mute.

Peanut Butter Jelly Time

While not quite as long in the tooth as Hamster Dance, PBJT harkens back to a simpler time, around 2002, when some thought Macromedia Flash was going to take over the world and people were busy using it to be annoying.

Needless to say, kids still love nothing more than something annoying, even 15 years later.

How to recover: ask your kid some deep theoretical questions like "What does a banana have to do with peanut butter and jelly?" And then slip away as they ponder in silence.

Printer-friendly version

Category:

Tech

Tags:

Anne Radcliffe

MEMEs

most annoying songs on the internet

Anne Radcliffe

Anne is one of those people who usually speaks to others in memes, pop culture references, and SAT words. On those occasions she can be understood at all, she likes to entertain others with a sense of humour usually described by friends as “hilarious—once you get to know her.”