It was just about a decade ago when noticed something peculiar while driving home from work. I was obeying the speed limit. I was checking my blind spot. I was using my turn signal a regulation 100 feet prior to my desired intersection. What was happening to me? More importantly, would I need to consult my doctor to see if Cialipiwellbupriloiagra was right for me?
Turns out I was fine. It was just a little growth that had implanted itself inside my wife, somehow transmitting strange missives to my head. Its name was Marcus. When they say that children have the power to change the world, that’s not crazy talk. Before he could utter a word, this little being singlehandedly got me to reset my bio-rhythm from sunrise to waaaaa, add sound effects to my reading skills, and sing songs that involved turning my hands into potatoes or animals.
We were blank slates, dry sponges, empty drives, my wife and I. We had no idea what to expect and were open to everything.
In four days, we’re going to do it all over again. This time, its name is Alessia.
And just like before, we’ve been running around for months acquiring all the necessities, assembling baby furniture, taking CPR classes, stocking up the medicine cabinet and buying the cutest little tiny knit socks you have ever laid eyes on.
But unlike before, this is no longer uncharted territory. We know what to expect this time around. And we’ve learned a few things along the way. And that changes the game a little bit. Just a little bit. Examples? Funny you should ask…
Parenting Resources
Before Marcus was born, we invested in books. Lots and lots of books. But you know what? When the first inconsolable cry-at-the-top-of-your-little-lungs-fest hit, we learned that books, much like Jay Leno at 10pm, only work in theory. With this next baby? One book. And Twitter.
TV
When I was a kid, all we had was PBS and Saturday morning cartoons. So when I discovered entire channels devoted to children’s programming, I went wild. Then I went crazy. Did you know that Dora the Explorer’s voice can permeate any structure, barrier or improvised muffling device within a 3 mile radius? Let’s pray the Axis of Evil never gets keen to this fact. I also discovered that common phrases incorporated into child pop culture mantras will haunt you all day at work. Like when your co-workers ask “so, Jim… what’s gonna work?” (teeeeeaaamwork!) or “so, Jim… can we fix it?” (YES WE CAN!). This is a chronic ailment. I think this next kid is going to be raised on Good Eats and Mythbusters. Quirky? Check. Educational? Check. Won’t make daddy sing a stupid song whenever he looks at a map? Check.
Music
Let’s face it. There’s nothing palatable about children’s music. I had convinced myself that I thought “Fruit Salad! Yummy yummy!” was catchy, but the reality was I never once bumped that ish when rollin’ in my 64. In my family, we’re very fortunate to have jumped from Wiggles straight to Metallica, Beastie Boys and Beatles, successfully skirting the whole tween pop thing.
The other day, I asked Marcus “You know who Justin Bieber is?” He said “no.” I said “I love you.” But I realize that it’s more dumb luck than a concerted effort that spared us the Bieber, so this time around, I’m going into it with a strategy. Did you know there’s a company called Rockabye Baby that turns the songs we adults legitimately love into equally legitimate lullabies? Pure genius. I would actually crank the lullaby version of Enter Sandman in my car, windows down, sans children. And it makes the transition to the real thing that much easier. Like training wheels for all that truly rocks. Please note: Rockabye Baby must never be mistaken for Kidz Bop, which I’m pretty sure the US Military is using to ferret Bin Laden out of the Afghan mountains.
Playthings
I used to buy playthings based on how innovative they were. I soon learned that innovation is just a marketing term for “relies upon the most intricate, easy-to-lose-or-break part in order to function” or “it flies, but only for the guy at the mall kiosk.” My new criteria for playthings? “Can you play with it even if it’s totally broken” and “does it fit in a stackable bin.” See you at the Lego store.
Messes
When Marcus was a baby we had one of those catch-all bibs. We also had a splat mat, as well as everything-proof laminate flooring in the kitchen. Now we have camouflage-everything slate flooring in the kitchen. And two dogs. I think in science they call that an ecosystem.
Books
We wanted Marcus to be familiar with all the classic fairy tales and fables. These tend to be found in unwieldy “Collection” books, which present a challenge to guys like me who like to lie down next to their kids to read bedtime stories. While the upside of bench pressing tomes of children’s literature is strengthening and toning your triceps and pectorals, the downside is concussions when you drop these things while trying to turn a page. I’ll stick to 15-page “I Can Read” books. Plus, they have more pictures. The kids like pictures.
Well, I’d love to stick around and tell you more, but Marcus’ bedtime is 8:30. If I average a good 85mph driving home, I should get there in time to wolf down my dinner and play action figures with him for 10 minutes before lights out.
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