It’s the end of a big-haired, off-the shoulder sparkle dress, gold-gilded McMansion era. The New Jersey royalty dream has died folks, and it all ended at 3am on a cold January morning when Teresa Giudice, former "Real Housewives of New Jersey" cast member turned in her hot rollers in exchange for an orange jumpsuit from the Prison Garb 2015 Spring line.  This is the worst kind of reality for Giudice, because unlike a reality show, this is reality reality – the kind of reality that stinks of prison soap instead of ground unicorn horn body wash poured generously under bath taps shaped like Cupid taking a squirt into a fish’s mouth.

The woman who made “flip a table” the new “blow a gasket” will now spend the next 15 months at Federal Correctional Institution, which, despite the Looney Tunes-ish generic-sounding name, is actually a real-life lady prison in Connecticut. It is the same penitentiary which once housed author Piper Kerman and formed the basis of her novel “Orange is the New Black” and subsequent series of the same name.

Back Story: Real Housewife Teresa Giudice Arrested

Giudice began her 15 month sentence this week for a litany of charges all relating to fashion crimes and eyeliner overuse... no wait it’s actually some pretty serious shit like mail, wire, and bankruptcy fraud. Theresa and husband Joe were found guilty last year and in a deal with the court, the couple will serve their prison sentences consecutively in order to provide the least amount of disruption to their four children. Except that won’t really happen because it’s not like Joe can tell the kids their mom is just like, really busy in the bathroom for a year and three months.

Well, shit. Prison sucks, I’m almost sure of it. I lived for some time in a damp and mushroom-filled basement apartment with someone who yelled a lot and didn’t seem to like me too much, so I’ve got stories akin to any good prison tell-all, so I feel I can say this: It’s not going to be pleasant. Spray tans and teasing combs will give way to cavity checks and not the oral kind of cavity ifyaknowhatimean and there will be no camera crew to capture crazy jail shenanigans for our viewing pleasure. Perhaps a “Cook to Crook: Tales from a Prison Scullery” cookbook will be forthcoming.

Real Housewife Doles Out Warped Marriage Advice

 Leaving your family for any length of time to basically grow roots in prison must be torture, and while a few weeks away – even with “Six Fingers Nancy” as a bunkmate – may seem like heaven to any other mother of four, the Giudice sentencing has garnered little sympathy in internet circles.

I have compassion for people who serve prison sentences for crimes stemming from complicated socio-economic factors or marginalization. But unless buying Corvettes and hiding them from the Feds is the new “putting a case of baby formula under your cart and hoping the clerk doesn’t see it” then Teresa and Joe Giudice should be held accountable for the fraud and theft they plead guilty to committing.

Time away from their parents is going to be difficult and life-altering for the Giudice children, and knowing their father is going away for almost four years as soon as their mother gets out is going to change these kids forever, and not in the good way like living in your grandparent’s basement for three years. The Giudice children are innocent and do not deserve punishment, but they will suffer it nonetheless by the absence of their parents. Regardless of what we think of the Giudice couple and what they’ve done, these kids are going to pay for the crimes of their parents. Were fancy cars and homes large enough to stage Civil War reenactments worth it? I’ll take my tiny bungalow with the shitty roof and our crushing debt any day because it at least affords me the privilege of yelling “WHO THE HELL PUT A GODDAMN WOODEN SPOON IN THE TOILET?” to my children in person.

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