Babies are cute and cuddly for a reason - and it's biological. Nature makes them adorable so we want to care for them; it's an aspect of our species survival and it's what makes it impossible to ignore chubby baby cheeks on a human, yet be able to walk straight past a newborn rat or brand-new puddle of wasp larvae.
However, once said babies are toddlers, those stinging wasps may make better company. If you have, had, or know toddlers, some of these experiences are going to look familiar.
YOU: "Oh look! It's almost Teagan/Sloan/Butterfly's bedtime," you think, making secret plans for a Family Size bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and some light Netflix-porn to salve the day's battle wounds.
TODDLER: FUCK THAT, Y'ALL.
Why no one has made a plastic suit for dining with toddlers I will never understand. I still look at the stains on my ceiling from "Blueberry Implosion '08" and marvel at the wonder of physics.
Ours was "For the love of CHRIST!" in a park sandbox when no one would share a shovel. Points for proper context, however.
Get a soft cord and tie that child to your leg; it'll save you thousands of dollars and millions of brain cells.
The red cup, parents? Seriously? ARE YOU NEW?
The CIA, CSIS, FBI, and Dawg the Bounty Hunter should enlist a 20 month-old child to employ in their capture efforts. While a toddler may not be able to wipe themselves or tie their own shoes, they can pick up your scent through concrete at 50 paces.
There is a reason nursery school was invented and that reason is arts and crafts time. Fun fact: "Montessori" loosely translated means "There is no goddamn way finger paints will ever be a thing in my home."
It's hard to believe, but one day the child who worshipped the literal ground you walk on will tell you they're "going to Matt's house for a Call of Duty marathon on Playstation," but then drive directly #2 Sideroad and party all night in a fallow soybean field with drunken teenagers who think they invented lying.
Potty training can be a shit show. Literally.
89.5% of these moments involve watching your child sleep.