The Ontario Secondary School Teachers' Federation is ramping up its labour action, once again. I have now heard that teachers may refrain from hallway and cafeteria supervision, as this activity is not part of the essential functions of teaching and marking.
Rather than wade into a polemic debate, I thought I would wade into the high school cafeteria instead.
Hey boys, I'm thinking of volunteering for caf duty at lunch, since your teachers may no longer be doing it. Won't that be swell?
They actually left the room, because they could not contain their excitement. So sweet.
So, just because I'm nice and all that, I have created the following Lunchroom Credo for other parent volunteers considering sharing this prominent volunteer position along with me.
I hereby pledge to . . .
- Hug and kiss my own children as soon as I see them enter the caf (very important).
- Refer to my teenagers by their toddler nicknames.
- Make sure to hand deliver my teenager's lunch in a brand-new Hello Kitty lunch box (please note: only for boys).
- Dress appropriately by wearing a blouse and skirt with knee-high stockings and Church Lady shoes. (Alternative attire might include my leopard-print leggings, black leather bodice, and red high heel boots—in which case, exposed bra straps are entirely acceptable.)
- Call all teachers by their first names. Better yet, make up a few nicknames, like Bri-Bri the History Guy.
- Wink at every cute teenage boy.
- Randomly dispense advice about Canada's Food Guide.
- Reapply lipstick repeatedly and smack lips loudly.
- Pull underwear out of butt crack at various intervals while walking between tables.
- Endeavour to pass gas at least once while walking past the popular girls' table.
- Quiz every girl who talks to my sons (list of appropriate questions is available upon request).
- Alert all girls to their exposed bra straps, as required.
- Sing along to all the songs playing over the PA system (even if I don't know the words).
- Remind my children of their after-school wart removal appointment, in front of their friends.
- Share swigs from my flask with the custodian (in other words, set a good example).
This Lunchroom Credo has been well-received and endorsed by all the mothers I know. Somehow, my kids are not quite as enthusiastic. In fact, they are suddenly no longer complaining that I have a full-time job.
It's fun being a mother, isn't it? I can't wait until my prepubescent daughter's teachers' union begins its labour action.
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