When my daughter was little, we used to have some recurring conversations around the house. One of these revolved around the issue of insecurity and self-esteem. While one of our main goals as parents was to raise a strong, confident, independent woman (and the other being, more importantly, a happy person), I used to say that no matter what we did, she would have self-esteem issues. No matter what, because she was a girl. Before you jump on my head, keep reading.
It was my observations in life that made me say this. And I attributed it to women. It has always appeared to me that women are and have been obsessed with beauty for as long as we’ve had Western civilization. Maybe it’s an evolutionary thing—the procreation of the species and all that—attracting the strongest males and such. Maybe not. But the fact remains that “beauty,” as society defines it, is mostly a trait desired by women. Who are the primary buyers of women’s magazines that perpetuate this obsession with beauty? I thought, no matter how much we told our girl she’s beautiful, once she entered the school system and began to see a world outside our home, she’d be affected by this obsession. I rarely told my girl she was beautiful. And her Mother didn’t either. We showered her with love and affection, but saying, “You’re beautiful,” just wasn’t common in our household.
What is beautiful, anyway? It is so true that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. Instead, we’d focused on what she seemed to be good at and reinforced it. “You are so funny,” which she was. “You are so talented,” which she is. “You are an excellent student,” which she still is. These were traits that she could “touch.” We and others would laugh at her funniness. She’d get recognition for her art work and her singing, and she could clearly see her good marks in her report cards. Still at a young age, beauty was not as important to her peers as when puberty hit everyone. She quickly realized what Taylor Swift said in a song, that “everybody loves pretty, everybody loves cool.” So, as blogger Melissa Gaston says in her blog post Why I'm Going To Stop Telling My Daughter She Is Beautiful, “In a world where our girls are bombarded by photoshopped images and are told to aspire to a thigh gap, it’s important that we counter that messaging.” And it’s very important that parents actively fight these battles—both parents, not just the Moms.
In our household, I was the primary care giver. Our girl got to spend a lot more time with me than with her Mother when she was growing up. The topic of beauty didn’t come up very often, if at all (even though, I’m vain myself and still think I’m very attractive, and her Mom suffers from the issue we’re talking about—namely, she puts herself down too much). At home we tried to focus on doing, not being. And then came Tae Kwon Do. I always knew that when I had a kid—boy or girl—he or she would do martial arts. When she was around 7 or 8, I told her that someday she’d want to go out with a boy on a date. And she would not have my permission if she didn’t have a black belt. I might have been a Mr. Mom, but still a Dad and former bad boy. So the rule was: no black belt, no boy date. Tae Kwon Do was mandatory, like English and Math. And, again, it focused on doing, not being. It gave her a confidence that she wouldn’t have otherwise. It also gave her a philosophy to hold on to (“Life is tough? Take the pain and keep going. You’re a black belt”).
I tried to treat her as I would have a son and, for the most part, I succeeded . . . but not quite. I am still sexist. She’s a 20-year-old second degree black belt, but I am still the one shoveling the snow and raking the leaves. I also pick her up from work late nights, which I might not have done if she was a boy (unfortunately, the world is more dangerous for women than it is for men). Today, she’s still a girly, young woman who likes fashion and makeup, but she knows that her looks don’t define her. It’s what she does that makes her who she is and who she will become. And if boys like that, fine. If they don’t, screw them.
Melissa hits it on the nail—it’s about the conversations around the house. But not only the conversations. As we all know, it’s about our own actions. The child will learn more from what you do than from what you tell him or her, from what they see in your house than from what you say. So, if you want them to read, they must see you reading. If you want them to be tidy, you must be tidy. If you want them to focus on doing, do. If you want them to be respectful, above all, be respectful to them and to your spouse. God gave us only the one child and she’s a girl, so I can’t speak from experience, but I do want to say that the other huge issue in parenting is how people are parenting boys today. Parenting boys right, teaching them respect above all, might go a long way in also dealing with issues affecting girls. But that’s another blog post.
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