This article is for all the men out there. It has come to my attention that there is a large misrepresentation regarding the amount of sex that married men are having with their wives.
While in the locker room getting ready for his weekly hockey game, "Bob" mentioned to the guys that he and his wife have sex every night. Every. Single. Night. Sue is practically a sexaholic because she wants it so much. She can't keep her hands off of Bob.
By telling the other guys this "Bob" is doing two things. He is creating the impression his sex life is something out of an 80s porn movie and at the same time making all of the other husbands feel like their sex lives are something out of Disney. Bob is a smart man.
But I would like to clear up a few things. Bob is lying. I smell smoke because Bob's pants are on fire and it's not because of all the sex he's having.
How do I know this? Because I know Bob's wife. And the chats we have about their sex life in no way resembles the sex-fest that Bob is rambling on about.
Secondly, do you really think–do you honestly believe deep down in your heart of hearts–that while Bob is in the hockey change room bragging about his sex life at 7:30 p.m. on a Tuesday night while Sue is at home trying to give three children a bath, help with homework, get them into bed, clean up the mess from dinner, tidy up the house and get lunches ready for the next day all while planning her daughter's next birthday party, that she is really waiting around in her lingerie for sweaty, beer-smelling Bob to come home so he can ravage her?
Or is it possible. Just possible. The teensiest, tiniest, little smidgen bit of a possibility, in this strange place we call REALITY, that Sue has actually collapsed into her bed exhausted and is ruing the day that she ever had sex with Bob once, let alone ever again. Do you think this might be a little bit possible?
Men also have a huge misconception about what turns a woman on. Walking up behind us, wrapping your arms around our waist and whispering in our ear "I'm horny" doesn't do it. Neither does suggesting we spend the night in bed with just the two of us and a bottle of chocolate sauce. Because quite frankly, I know who's going to have to clean up that mess. And that person doesn't have a penis.
Do you really want to know what turns us on? Listen carefully.
Throwing your dirty socks and underwear IN the hamper instead of beside it. Mmmmmm........
Being the one to get out of bed when one of the kids wakes up at five in the morning. Oh yes, baby....right there.
Opening the dishwasher, seeing it's full of clean dishes and actually emptying it instead of closing it and walking away. Mmmm.....that's it. Please don't stop.
Offering to look after the kids so we can do the grocery shopping on our own. Oh YES! YES! Right there! Please don't stop! When you call us from work and hear children screaming and crying in the background| ask us how we're doing instead of reminding us we need to pick up the dry cleaning. Yes,yes, yes......that's it baby. Don't Stop!
Better yet, surprise us by leaving work early and come home and help. Oh God, I'm right there!
Put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher instead of in the sink. That's ITTT Don't Stoppppp!!!
Change a diaper when you can smell poop instead of pretending you don't notice. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! mmmmmmmmm......
And that, my dear men, is how it's done.
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