Mean Girls

Sticks and stones may break my bones,

But names will never hurt me.

The composer of that playground chant was sadly naive. Name-calling and other forms of non-physical abuse deeply damage victims with wounds that cannot be healed by bandages and aspirin.

Pixie Girl was a happy, well-liked kid until Grade Seven when her social existence turned into a waking nightmare. That year, my outgoing daughter won the lead role in the school musical. Mean Girl, who had been a regular in Pixie Girl’s stable of friends for years, also tried out for the part and was none too thrilled when she didn’t get it.  From the moment of the announcement, Mean Girl made it her personal mission to make Pixie Girl miserable. My daughter was excluded from everything.  Mean Girl, already popular, encouraged and, in fact, demanded all the other girls to shun Pixie Girl.  She prohibited her from the lunch table and forbade anyone to invite my daughter to a party.  Pixie Girl was wrecked.  My normally happy kid cried all the time and soon became prone to panic attacks—all of this because one kid decided to levy her wrath in order to feel in control.

As a parent, I felt completely helpless. My previously content daughter was melting before my eyes like a snowman during a crazy winter thaw.  All I could do was mirror her feelings, hold her and promise her that this social fugue would blow over. I tried to teach her to act bored when Mean Girl insulted her, to appear strong and unruffled  But, Pixie Girl was inexperienced at pretending this way. Inside, I was in agony and so angry.  Why didn’t any of the other girls stick up for Pixie Girl? Where were Mean Girl’s parents in all of this? I called the school and they did their best to address the situation but Mean Girl was relentless and a master at looking sweet and friendly to the adults around her. It was heartbreaking and I just wanted my Pixie Girl to smile again.

In the end, my daughter was helped by a boy, my best friend’s son, who, when he learned about what was occurring, rallied his friends to give Mean Girl a taste of her own medicine.  Whenever they saw Pixie Girl at recess or lunch, they would join her.  If Mean Girl was around but Pixie Girl entered the room, they would leave Mean Girl and go to Pixie Girl, encircling her with protection like a herd of elephants protects its young.  It didn’t take long for Mean Girl to get the message, and as soon as she changed her behaviour, all the other girls followed suit.

Humans have a universal yearning for relationship and sometimes, this desire makes otherwise good people do horrible things even when they know their actions are morally wrong. The longing is particularly strong in the tween and teen years when social standing is of utmost importance.  These days, with the advent of Facebook, Twitter and Youtube, relational aggression is even more prevalent and easier to achieve. If left untended, it can not only bring about lasting damage to its victims, but can also be responsible for continued cruel behaviour in its perpetrators.  Socially sadistic teenage girls may become verbally abusive adults, manipulative spouses and poisonous co-workers.

If your child’s demeanour undergoes a drastic change, if the phone stops ringing, if she becomes nervous, unwilling to go to school, don’t chalk it up to the hormonal moodiness of teenagedom.  Talk to your kids, talk to the school and talk to other parents.  There is a lot of empathic teaching that can be done to help break down social problems between kids and help them learn to accept and consider their peers without losing personal ground. Also, and this is almost even more difficult than watching your child as victim, we need to keep an eye on signs of bullying in our own children.  Does your child obsessively “dis” someone who was once a friend? Is she constantly making negative comments about others?  Sometimes, kids become so overwhelmed with a need for attention and status that they turn to bullying. These kids are hurting, too.  They need our love, understanding and experience to teach them that there are better ways to be human.

Grab your daughter and ask her to watch this amazing video featuring a group of moms and teens with tips on how to survive Mean Girls in highschool.