Let me explain. No| it would take too long. Let me sum up: I'd been working - writing contracts| performing at benefits and fundraisers - but this was the first time I was doing a full-blown 14-week run since having my second child.
On the one hand| it was great: I got to be myself again. Not mom| not wife| just me. I got to be creative in ways that didn't include play-doh. I got to sing something other than the soundtrack from High School Musical. The costume designer and I played dress up with nary a Barbie in sight.
Heaven.
On the other hand| I was sleep deprived| constantly worried about childcare| feeling like I was missing milestones (I have no idea what they might be| but still!) And the guilt. The ever present guilt.
Look| I loved being in the dressing room getting ready and gossiping with my cast mates| giggling like I haven't done since forever. But I missed the sweet goodnight kisses and stories and walks in the wagon to Shoppers. And yes| I even missed singing along with Troy and Gabriella.
And now I'm faced with a new dilemma. I've been asked to take over a senior management position.
From a career standpoint it's sort of a dream come true and it might be counter productive to turn it down. The problem is| it's a sacrifice my children will have to make.
Then again| will it take me away from them more than I already am? I'm the leader of a mums group| I'm on several boards and I volunteer and fundraise like crazy. Those are the things I've taken on since having kids to make sure I'm still a viable entity| a marketable commodity| as it were| in the business world.
If I take the job| I'll say goodbye to my mums group and my committee work - and then what? The paycheque's great but I'm tied to a desk doing| at the very least| the 10 to 6 grind. Which means I'll have to hire full time childcare. Which means my weekly paycheque will be rapidly diminished. Then| with the cost of work clothes and transportation| the money's gone. So what am I left with at the end of the day? At least working contracts from home I can set my own hours and nobody's there to judge if my reports are finessed while I'm attired in my Lululemons.
I'd be the boss - so technically I can be there for my children when I need to. But when exactly is that? Is it when they fall off their bike and need me to kiss the boo boo better? Is it when they need me to cut their sandwich just the right way? I recall hearing that children never remember the times you were there| only when you weren't. Is that what I want? To be a memory of the mum who wasn't there?
And| as the boss| I'd have a huge responsibility to work as well. I've got a sick child and a big opening the same day. Which do I choose? I may not like it but my career and my ego can process| understand and accept the back seat for a while. Can my children?
That's why being a Mompreneur makes so much sense. It lets you use your brain without breaking your heart.
It's a tough dilemma faced by working women every single day. Part of the problem is that while our feminist forebearers were so busy cracking that glass ceiling wide open for us| they lost sight of the fact that we still have to have the babies too. As much as we can say men and women are equals and should be treated as such| the truth is we're simply not. And while previous generations fought for that equality| it's up to this generation to find the balance. There has to be a solution but I just don't know what it is.
What I do know is that for me| right or wrong| I had to go with my heart and I turned down the job.
So when you see me out there| walking back home from Shoppers looking like I might melt down while I'm tugging a Radio Flyer filled with groceries| a 2 year old yelling because I didn't bring the right sippy cup and a 4 year old pouting because I braided her hair the wrong way| give me a smile and remind me what those kids from East High always say: "We're all in this together".
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