Because I love to be difficult, I love the fall. But I hate to be cold. And I'm one of those people who are always cold. My husband says I'm cold blooded and screams like a girl when I stick my cold feet on him in the middle of the night (even though I tell him that's what he's here for).
Nevertheless, winter is my favourite time of year, mostly because I have compiled a list of Survival Gear for the Cold AF person. If you are one of these people, or love a Cold AF person, then this list has everything needed to Not Be Cold AF.
Let's start with the basics: I like to call these the Feel No Cold socks, although they go by the less interesting name T-Max Heat. They're SUPER comfy and are temperature rated to down someplace around "Hell Freezes Over." Available in crew cut or knee-high, they're perfect for under your boots and around the house at all hours from September - March. Buy 5 pairs, because your kids might end up hijacking a pair or two. It's the best $12 you'll ever spend on a pair of socks.
These things will ruin your relationship, because there's nothing that kills a mood like a onesie. On the other hand, you won't care, because being enveloped in the warm, silky bliss of a microfiber fleece onesie is like being hugged by a zillion puppies and smiled at by Jamie Fraser just before he tells you you are the only woman for him.
Let me introduce you to the close kin of the Feel No Cold sock: the Feel No Cold All-Weather Boot (aka the UGG Adirondack). Do NOT let these boots give you sticker shock. If you want to stand up to your ankles in snow for a half hour, wearing no socks and just a pair of boots, this is the pair of boots to do it in. Although you should wear the socks anyway (buy them a half size up, wear the T-Max HEAT socks underneath, and you'll literally be good for Antarctica weather).
I've had mine for five years, and they still look as good as new and are just as warm (although I did pay $20 at one point to replace the insole). But... Yeah. How often do you get that sort of life out of a winter boot you can wear comfortably four months of the year?
If you don't reheat your caffeine three times in a morning, do you even mom? Fortunately Costco sells these nifty two-packs of Contigos that keep your coffee or tea hot for 4 hours. This is super essential for us eternally cold people who happen to be moms, especially when we like to travel, cause the auto-seal lid is perfect for tossing in the purse so you can keep something warm and drinkble in all your daily travels (even if it's just to and from the laundry room).
They call it anti-stress. I call it the microwavable neck warmer of the gods. Cause really, no matter what you bundle yourself into, there's nothing good to warm your neck with unless you use a fuzzy strangulation starter kit scarf. Even if you were into the fuzzy strangulation starter kit scarf thing, it's kind of a hard look to pull off indoors. Bonus: You can nap in it.
If you're a cold person without fleece sheets, I am sorry for you. Now go to Costco, my child, and buy yourself two sets. Like the Contigo, Costco never stops selling these. There's a reason why. They are The OMG Amazing Fleece Sheets of Awesomeness, after all.
If for some reason you can't get to a physical Costco location, you can order them from Wayfair.ca (but it's twice the price). I don't know why we can't order them online from Costco. I suggest we riot.
I have somewhere around 824 throw blankets around the house if you tally them up in every room, and I need them all, especially because the kid is likely to steal them on me. The super-soft fuzzy ones are my favourite, although they're not always the warmest. So I cheat and wrap myself in the super-soft one and then wrap others around me. Unfortunately, the super-soft fuzzy ones are also everyone else's favourite. This is why I have 824 throw blankets, and why you should have more too.
Spouses who don't like fleece sheets are the reason why sleeping in separate beds is a good option. If you somehow are determined to make it work in bed together, however, using regular COLD AF COTTON FLAT SHEETS, at least improve your odds of surviving the night with a mattress pad that prewarms the bed to 80 degrees before you jump into the ice lake that is your sleep haven. Seriously, it's like turning your bed into a warm crockpot-like environment. You will worry briefly about cooking yourself to death if you leave it on overnight, but then you'll decide it's a great way to go.
If they won't let you invest in this, stick your cold feet in their rib cage til they decide it's a smart idea.
I'm not going to lie - investing in a car upgrade with built-in butt-warming technology was up there with one of the best things I've ever done. But as great as my heated seats are, they don't have shiatsu massage built in, and I think the car makers are really missing the boat here. So if you don't have your own butt-warming package, here's your chance to get the best of both worlds.
For some reason, fashionable wear that's warm AF doesn't exist. I don't know why this is. Why do people want women to be cold all the time? Needless to say, some of us have "professional" appearances to maintain once in a while (specifically, not showing up in public in a onesie). A good solid piece like a blanket cape is a must-have for your wardrobe. Seriously, it's the only way you're going to get away with wearing a blanket in public.
Good luck.
Anne is one of those people who usually speaks to others in memes, pop culture references, and SAT words. On those occasions she can be understood at all, she likes to entertain others with a sense of humour usually described by friends as “hilarious—once you get to know her.”
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