Go Home, Gucci, You're Drunk

$1,696.26 for a fashion faux pas? No thank you.

I might be a little bit biased, mostly because my ideal shoe closely resembles an athletic running shoe. Actually, it is a running shoe. And for so many good reasons... actual arch support, it goes with just about every casual outfit, and let's not forget the comfort... cause who enjoys their feet smelling like sweaty cheese or being in constant pain just to look good?

Nevertheless, in spite of my default hot mess take on footwear, I am not completely immune to the charm of a nice shoe at a stellar price. For instance I actually found these sweet little wedges at Winners just a few weeks ago for the ridiculous price of $40. I took photographic evidence and texted it to my friends to prove that I shopped for shoes (WILLINGLY!) and didn't die.

I haven't worn them yet, but that's beside the point. One day when I feel like wearing something other than jeans, these little babies will be there waiting for me in the closet. 

Where was I. Oh right, someone on Facebook linked the Gucci Ilse Sock Sandal, a product clearly designed for mentally deranged female murderers who want to look good and have an easy-hose-off footwear after they finish their killing spree. Really rich mentally deranged female murderers, I'll add, because the Ilse Sock sandal doesn't come at a price tag in Canada for anything less than nearly $1,700.

Now correct me if I'm wrong, but somehow I managed to get through 38 years of my life knowing that socks and sandals is just something you don't do. Not unless you're over 60, or are wearing those athletic massage-y sandals post soccer game, or have a full beard and program in UNIX.

Nordstrom and Gucci are like, nah. Forget all that shit. You wear this high-gloss sock to keep your foot warm AND you can wear this bitchin' set of very very strappy stiletto heels. IT'S PRACTICAL AND FASHIONABLE. And then you can wear your heels in this very floody rainy spring we're having here, staying very high and dry.

Well, damn. And here I was thinking that's what boots were for. I mean, I bought those $300 UGG Adirondaks with the rubberized upper to deal with slop and slush, and I thought that was the height of early spring wet-weather fashion at high cost. CLEARLY I was mistaken.

Naturally, I'm sitting here mocking this abombination that is a sock and Gucci sandal. But then my eyes wander to the right. And I see "PEOPLE ALSO BOUGHT." And I realize that the fembot killshoes are actually the thing I'd MOST LIKELY wear under duress from this list.

You know, if all my sneakers and every other shoe store on earth suddenly got sucked up with the Rapture, and I was on Earth with everyone who was left behind - doomed to hell, shoeless - and Nordstrom.


It's like they Bedazzle'd grandma's couch and added eyeballs and a cute foam-ball nose from the dollar store. It's a $1,500 craft store project shoe animal anthropomorphism from hell.

Here's the actual description: "A faux-fur little face peers out from the lush, floral jacquard motif of a silk pump that embodies whimsical woodland charm." 

Well, shit. At least it's silk. 

Next option was Frankenstein's love child with Beetlejuice sells out to Adidas in fashionable black leather. You would think this would be my number two choice for the post-shoe rapture, but you would be wrong. I think I'd actually go with the tortured silk Gucci woodland creature, because at least I know I wouldn't fall to my death if I fell over.

Hey, what if my feet were zebras?

That's clearly the inspriation for Gucci's $1838 'Lesley' Zebra Stripe Pump. "I was the highlight of the night!" raves the one and only reviewer. Yes. These shoes would make it hard not to stare, wondering what is wrong with you. If that is the look you're going for, then this is the shoe for you.

The last option, however, proves to me that Gucci's shoe designers are unbalanced mad geniuses who are high AF on paint thinner and possibly LSD. And that their customers are, too.

SOMEONE(S?) actually (allegedly) also bought this, according to the website. The Gladiator Loafer.

Well... damn.

I don't even know where to start with this one. Is this a shoe for a man or a woman? The classic wingtip screams all-male Mad Men masculine hardass, but the bling on the upper screams "I'M FABULOUS." And then the buckle below the ankle screams "AND I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO WEAR CUTE LITTLE SUNDAY SCHOOL GIRL SHOES." And then the rest of it screams "I'm having an identity crisis, and I want to be a Roman Gladiator wearing all of the below! AND I'm willing to pay $2,700 to do it!"

If I were a lion and I caught someone wearing this shit, I'd try to eat them and put them out of their misery, too.

Hope the Gladiator Loafer has some excellent arch support and is snug for sprinting.

RELATED: Podiatrists: Crocs Hate Your Feet

Anne is one of those people who usually speaks to others in memes, pop culture references, and SAT words. On those occasions she can be understood at all, she likes to entertain others with a sense of humour usually described by friends as “hilarious—once you get to know her.”