The results of a YummyMummyClub.ca survey of couples' sex lives, post-baby had interesting results. It indicated how many of the women respondents are much less interested in sex or are simply too exhausted to consider it, after they've had one or more children.
The men who responded to the survey had a different story to tell. Although they, too, are over-tired and occasionally overwhelmed by the demands of parenting, they report that they aren't having as much sex as they'd like.
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It's clear from the survey there's a disconnect between the men and the women, and this isn't surprising. Aside from the fact that for both partners, there's a lack of time, energy and privacy post-baby, there are some issues specific to women which can adversely affect their sexuality.
For women, physical changes after giving birth can decrease their ability to enjoy sex, while hormonal fluctuations may temporarily lower their libido. Fatigue and a negative body image will worsen this.
For both partners, there is so much to be done each day that sex drops to the bottom of the priorities list, while the focus of the relationship moves away from couple intimacy and toward co-parenting.
So, what's the answer? While it’s clear there's no magic spell to give couples more time or take away their exhaustion, there are some things that couples can do to help re-ignite the spark, with patience and understanding being essential. The woman needs to give herself time to get back into shape, both physically and psychologically. She can start by accepting the fact that her body might never be exactly the way it was, pre-baby. She has to go easy on herself about these normal physical changes, and believe her partner when he tells her that he finds her just as attractive as before. Both partners need to understand that, especially when the baby is small, a woman can become totally absorbed into her role as a new mom, and that it could take a bit of effort on both their parts to bring forth the sexy woman in her that they both knew and loved. The man needs to understand that his partner has gone through major physical, hormonal and emotional changes, and that a different approach would be helpful if he wants to enjoy sex with her, post-baby. He could begin by creating some simple moments of romance and tenderness. A bit of romance will go a long way in encouraging the woman to see her partner as desirable (rather than demanding) and will help to shift her from Mommy to Sexy Mama for a while. Even if cuddling is all that happens initially, focusing first on emotional closeness will ultimately result in a better sex life. Apropos of this, both partners should remember that physical and emotional intimacy go hand-in-hand. Regular, loving sex will build affection, connection and trust, and vice-versa. Realistic expectations are key, as well as the ability to be more flexible and accommodating. If sex has to be less spontaneous; if it's quicker and quieter, then so be it, as long as both people are making the effort to really connect in that moment.
While endless sessions of passionate, thrilling sex might be a thing of the past once a baby has entered the picture, a satisfying sex life is not impossible for a couple with young kids. Patience, understanding and reasonable expectations will help, as will prioritizing the emotional connection, which is the foundation of a good relationship before and after the children come along.
Hopefully, with this information at your disposal, all you new parents out there can go ahead and start enjoying each other, at least as much as time, energy and wailing kids will allow.
Note: Sometimes a lack of interest in sex post-baby can be a sign of an underlying medical or psychological problem, including postpartum depression. Symptoms include sleeplessness, crying spells, emotional withdrawal, irritability and difficulty in functioning. As opposed to the common but much milder baby blues which eventually go away on their own, PPD is a serious condition which requires immediate medical attention.
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