With the start of a new year, many of us contemplate where we’re at in our lives and what we hope for the future. Something I always think about are the relationships in my life— both the good ones and the not so great ones.
When it comes to the ones that stress me out, a pal suggested I end that friendship, which threw me for a loop as it hadn't ever crossed my mind. I don’t know how to break up with a friend. While I've had friendships end before, I haven’t intentionally broken one up (usually there’s an argument and then you stop talking or you simply drift apart). I sought out the help of a coach, Annyse Balkwill, of Luminus Group to help us all out with this difficult scenario. She provided a few key lessons to part ways with a friend.
Understand Why It’s Difficult To End A Friendship
Dumping that dude you met on Tinder? No problem, you know how to handle that. But ending a friendship with a girlfriend you’ve hung out with for five years is more awkward, says Balkwill, because culturally we have acceptable rules about ending a romantic relationship. “Either you're in a romantic relationship or you're not. But we don't go around deciding if you're in a friendship or not so we don't know what to do when it doesn't feel right.”
Know When It's Right To End A Friendship
It's not about making a list of a person’s good and bad qualities to help you make this decision. It comes down to when you've learned the lesson you were meant to learn from this friendship, says Balkwill. What does this mean? She explains that everyone comes into our life for a reason. “You have to decide to end a friendship when it is no longer serving you.”
Understand Why You Want To Break Up With This Friend
Take some time to consider why you're ending this relationship. Look at what has lead to this deterioration in your friendship but be careful not to blame the other person. You both had a role in this friendship and how it played out.
Practice Forgiveness
To start this breakup process, Balkwill says you must forgive your friend for the harm she may have caused and forgive yourself, too. Understand where you each come from and come to the realization that you are not meeting each other's needs.
Let The Friendship End
From experience, Balkwill has found that when you take the time to understand why you want to end the friendship and practice forgiveness, a release of energy that allows you to let go of a friend is triggered. “When you've done it out of love and you cut that energetic attachment, you may find that person just falls out of your life.”
Have The Breakup Conversation
If the person doesn’t drift out of your life, a conversation has to happen. But this doesn't have to fill you with anxiety. Balkwill promises it doesn't have to be complicated. Her suggested method is straightforward—she suggests saying something like, “I have come to a very well thought out and well-intentioned decision to choose me over us. It is in my best interest and my wellbeing that we no longer continue this friendship.” Because you've done the forgiving and healing work ahead of time, it will be clear that this is the best decision for both of you, she says.
Skip The Blame Game
When you have this talk, your friend may want to know why you feel this way. She will likely feel angry and hurt. What you have to know and accept is that you have done all that you could. “We are not responsible for other people's feelings, but you do have to completely own your own. Feelings may get hurt but that's completely out of your control,” says Balkwill. Resist the urge to explain with specific examples. It won’t help in any way.
How To Have The Breakup Conversation
Text? FaceTime? Conversation in public or private? Snail mail? Do what feels right. “If you're texting your friend because you're chicken to talk in person, that's not honouring yourself,” says Balkwill. How will you feel about the method you've chosen three weeks after the fact, Blackwill asks. If you feel great about sending an email because you normally communicate via email with this friend, then that's fine. If you feel you'd feel best doing it by talking in person, then make plans to meet.
Previously published at W Dish.
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