Luke Perry is the New Hero of Retired People & Other Reasons We're Old AF


I have come to the conclusion that we're all getting old AF, my friends. Sure, we make jokes now about how we give "Zero f*cks" about wearing yoga pants, and how being 40 is great, and getting closer to 50 is even better, but I see the truth.

We are just one short step from being an angry, wrinkly Clint Eastwood getting ready to yell at people to get off his lawn.


I mean, here I am with my coffee, minding my own business, and social media comes up and slaps me in the face with HEY GUESS WHAT! YOUR FIRST TEEN HEARTTHROB IS ON AARP. (BTW that's the American Association of Retired People, for we Canucks.)

I'm like, hah, good one, The Onion.

Except, wait, it's not The Onion. It's CNET. And NPR. And Twitter is full of people crying into their Metamucil.

Oh. My. God.

This isn't the first time I've been bitchslapped a bit by reality.

Like that future that they traveled to in Back to the Future II? Oh, they only went ahead to October 21, 2015. That was fricking last year. Mattel still hasn't delivered on my pink Barbie Hoverboard, and I'm pissed.

Then there's that time I realized this was mostly true. Except it'd be fricking 1994, and people on the show would be crying about Kurt Cobain.

So that was like a two-fer.

Speaking of Nirvana, there's that time when Q107 Classic Rock was playing Nirvana, Smashing Pumpkins and Oasis. That one kind of hurt.

Or Macaulay Culkin being a 36 year old... this... omfg what happened to you dude, you're YOUNGER THAN ME.

Or the realization that Blanche, that man-chasing cougar of a lady on the Golden Girls we all watched when we were younger, is actually somewhere in the ballpark of 53 years old when the series begins. Oh and by the way the actress, Rue McClanahan? She died like six years ago at the age of 76.

By the way, if that didn't depress you enough, here's a relatively current picture of Tom Hanks, including liver spots. 

And last but not least... The kids getting ready to start highschool this year? They were born in 2003 and 2004. They've never known the world without Facebook, which came out in February of 2004. Amy Winehouse's debut album came out in January of 2004. FRICKING MYSPACE was getting people to make pages on it still. And that was the last year that they made Friends.

Holy heck.

I'm going back to bed.

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Anne is one of those people who usually speaks to others in memes, pop culture references, and SAT words. On those occasions she can be understood at all, she likes to entertain others with a sense of humour usually described by friends as “hilarious—once you get to know her.”