As parents, we put a huge amount of effort into back-to-school prep—buying our kids the coolest backpacks, the trendiest wardrobes, and the best school supplies—all in hopes of making this big transition easier and more exciting. And while all of these things certainly make back-to-school more fun, there are other ways to help your kids (and yourself) make the transition back to school less stressful and anxiety-ridden.
Because the truth is, no matter how cool your kid’s new shoes or haircut are, back-to-school means change, and this can be difficult for all of us.
This year, instead of buying into the pressure to make back-to-school ‘perfect,’ Jeffrey Eisen, life coach and author, suggests parents take a different approach, focusing their energy instead on helping kids prepare for and cope with the change they’re about to embark on, using these five simple practices:
1. Redefine your beliefs about what a successful school year means
What do you want your child to accomplish this year? Do you want him to get straight As, be the most popular kid in the class, and be liked by the teacher? Or, would you prefer if he were happy, feeling good about himself, and learning while being challenged in a positive way? “Many of our beliefs about education are the cause of the stress and pressure our kids feel this time of year,” says Eisen. Use the new school year as an opportunity to re-evaluate what it is you want your kids to get out of their school experience. Consider encouraging them to focus less on being perfect and more on uncovering their strengths and weaknesses. Allow them the opportunity to study to learn, rather than studying to get a perfect grade. Encourage them to think for themselves, to have fun learning, and to excel in whatever areas make them the most happy.
2. Make this about your child—not about you.
If you’re feeling anxious about your child going back to school, ask yourself: are these fears coming from my child or from me? “Many of us carry over concerns, fears, and beliefs from our own school days and heap them on our children,” says Eisen. Use this opportunity to really get to know your child and to understand how they feel about school. Try to filter out your own fears and desires, which could be contributing to the stress.
3. Let go of expectations and be ready for anything
Expectations lead to disappointment. So, the more we try to control a situation that’s beyond our control, the more likely we are to be let down. “I used to believe that if my kids weren’t successful in school, they wouldn’t be successful in life. So, I’d push them to work hard, obey their teachers, and study to succeed,” says Eisen. “Only later did I realize that this expectation was not benefiting them, and was actually contributing to their stress and anxiety.” Once you’ve let go of expectations, you’ll realize that no matter what happens this school year, your child will have an opportunity to learn and grow. All of their experiences, no matter how positive or negative they may seem, will be beneficial down the road. So what if your child tries at an extracurricular activity and realizes it’s not for him/her? So what if your child fails a math test and realizes he needs extra help to understand a particular concept? So what if your child doesn’t make friends for life in kindergarten? Be open to the fact that with every new school year comes many highs and lows. Don’t try to predict what they’ll be. Just allow them to unfold and offer your child unconditional love and support as they come up.
4. Encourage your child to express and process their emotions
Transition can be scary for kids, and many will be experiencing a flood of emotions as they prepare to go back to school. “When I was a kid, I kept all of my emotions bottled up inside, believing that I was a boy and I was supposed to be tough,” says Eisen. “This resulted in bleeding ulcers and later, Crohn's disease—both of which I believe were caused by fear and stress that wasn’t properly expressed.” No matter how your child is expressing his emotions—crying before bed, misbehaving and negative attention seeking, refusing to participate in back-to-school preparation—pay attention and encourage him to communicate with you about what’s really going on. “The best thing we can do as parents is really listen to our children and encourage them to open up.”
5. Make back-to-school a journey, not a destination
As you approach the first day of school, remember this is just one small piece of the learning your child will do in his life. This year isn’t the be-all and end-all. So, have some fun with back-to-school prep. Get your child involved in the process. Help him get excited about trying new things, prepared that failure is inevitable, and confident that no matter what happens, he’ll come out of it a stronger person. If your daughter doesn’t make the soccer team or she isn’t chosen as valedictorian or she cries the entire first week of kindergarten, remember none of this is a reflection on you as a parent, or her as a person. Try to help your kids enjoy the transition of back-to-school, because after all, they’re kids, and life is supposed to be fun.
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