I went to see my family doctor last week for my annual check up and I avoided the conversation for as long as possible. (And it wasn't about my right breast being larger than my left!)
Finally he asked, how has your mood been? Can you believe I would have preferred to have my PAP smear repeated than have to talk about how freaking sad I am... all of the time?
Last night I had an epiphany about my sadness. I decided I needed to tackle it head on. I was sitting at the computer reading at yummymummyclub.ca and I posted a comment on someone's blog about Postpartum Depression. It was the first time I ever posted a comment on line. It felt liberating to give my expert advice!
It hit me! I sat there being all smug and proud to reach out and give my unsolicited advice to this mom with the baby-blues. I thought, that's it - I'm finished pretending. I'm going to share my story, dammit. I'll admit to everyone that I'm depressed. I'm going to unleash the burden I've been carrying with me for so long.
I was pumped. I was jacked. I was ready to send a mass email to my parents, all of my friends, my boss, my cousins, my siblings, my neighbours, my in-laws, and even to my co-workers and subordinates. Then reality set it. The sweaty armpits. The flushed cheeks. The rapidly beating heart rate. I had to put a user name on my post??? Uh... More cold chills. What if someone I know reads my comment? (Think about the likelihood of that!? DUH.)
Anyway - I did it. I came up with it; I remembered a nickname I once had... Skippy. So I typed it: NotSoSkippy. I knew it. I realized that I'm not ready to admit that I have depression to anyone who knows me! (So far only my doctor, my husband and my best friend from university know.) Three people.
So... I thought... Maybe I can tell complete strangers... Like I told the girl who blogged on yummymummy.com. But to tell the people I love? The people who see me every day? People who I work with? I just can't. I slapped myself up-side-the-head! Forget it. If I tell them I will feel like every time they see me they will be thinking about IT, regardless of what I say or do.. I will always be the one who has depression.
The hit up-side-my-head did something. I'm going to tell strangers! In less than 24 hours I registered 2 domain names, I started a little website, and I am writing my first real Blog. I am sweating - have been since I typed my first word - but dammit, this feels good! I think I'll do it again. Soon.
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