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I am going to tell you a little secret.
I did a cleanse.
I know that when most people do a cleanse they tell the whole world about their liquid intake and the corresponding liquidness of their output. They love to talk about their deprivation and how pure they feel.
But not me. I found the whole thing mildly embarrassing. And it is very difficult for me to admit that I cut out food – for days -- not just hours. I am the one usually scoffing at all you cleansers and food group eliminators. My mantra is: embrace healthy food don’t deny your body.
But it was 2 weeks before my 40th birthday, I had a dress. A stunning vintage orange dress and a party planned. And I had a friend who sells cleanses, and since selling cleanses seems to be akin to being indoctrinated into a cult – it is all she could talk about.
One day my husband interrupted my litany of hysterical jokes about cleanses and said: You should do one.
SILENCE
In my marriage we have an unspoken rule not to discuss my weight. This seemed like a brazen attack on that airtight rule. He continued, carefully: “I mean, how can you say it is so ridiculous when you have never done one?”
I thought about that. And I thought about The Dress and The Birthday and The Party. And I decided why not? If I hate it, I can always eat a cookie.
So I ordered up the powders and potions and pills. And got my blender ready.
I drank blueberry, chocolate smoothies for breakfast and lunch and had actual food that you chew for dinner (only protein and veggies). The company supplies little brown wafers that are full of chromium to take the edge off between meals. I started calling them my communion crackers as I prayed that they would fill me up. After a few days I had an unhealthy relationship with them.
My friend called me daily to see how I was doing – I started to avoid her. She was all chirpy and happy. Don’t you feel great? She would ask. And then would deflect my whining with some B.S. about my body getting rid of the toxins.
You know what I did feel? Smug. Very smug that I was existing on very little solid food so I kept going. And then the 48-hour no solid food regime started. For two days straight I was only supposed to drink this intensely-flavoured berry liquid concoction. And I did – for The Dress.
Eat mostly fruits and vegetables. And make them organic.
Avoid alcohol
Exercise But you knew that too, didn’t you?
Have you ever cleansed? Do you think I am completely wrong and you loved the experience?