It’s nothing new when resolutions are broken by the fourth month into the new year, because sticking to diets, not smoking, or exercising 6 times a week is really difficult – and also, doughnuts are really fucking delicious.
For me, the reason I fell off the wagon (this time) was slightly different. Three months ago, I started a new job after enduring the worst year of my life (F-you, 2017!) and had a ton of personal breakthroughs. For my entire life, I had pushed people away, and I finally understood why. All of a sudden, the “self-love” Instagram accounts I scoffed at made sense to me. For the first time in my life, I let my guard down and accepted that it was okay for me to be happy and that I wasn’t this disgusting piece of shit I always assumed I had been. I actually don’t need to drive people away with sarcasm and a shitty attitude, because hey, I have value – how about that?
29 years in, and I felt I was finally getting into the swing of things – the problem is, I went too hard into this whole “self-love” thing. It’s kind of like the first time you go to an amusement park – you get so excited and eat all the funnel cake and then immediately go on a roller coaster, and like, of course you’re going to puke. I was eating everything and anything I wanted without a care in the world because, why shouldn’t I? I love myself as is, which is true, I do love myself. Big IS beautiful, but I’ve eaten my way to unhealthiness through mindless eating habits and thinking that 3 hot yoga classes a week means I can eat whatever the hell I want. Nope –that’s not how that works!
Before ever reaching this idealized image of myself, I’ve always had in my head, I can say I do love myself and mean it. I have come a long way in accepting my flaws and forgiving myself for past behaviours that have hurt friends and family, but while it is really important to love the skin you’re in, as I do and as we all should, I’ve self-loved myself into obesity. As you can tell by now, my issues are very much rooted in body image, like most privileged people who don’t have real problems. Believe me, the fact that I’m whining about have TOO MUCH access to food while there are millions of starving children in the world is not lost on me.
But, within my bubble of security, I’ve tipped the scales in which I am officially obese. That’s not an easy pill to swallow because now I’m super unhealthy. That’s not how someone who’s undergone this life epiphany should be treating her body. I think the larger part of self-love is fueling your body with clean food and exercising regularly to keep the engine running smoothly.
Self-love means loving yourself so much that you choose to treat your mind, body, and soul like a temple. Respect it, love it, and share that peace with the world.