Do Not Listen to GOOP and Attempt an At-Home Coffee Enema

I know some of us have trouble finding the time to drink it hot, but asspresso should not become a thing. Please.

The South Park Episode "Red Hot Catholic Love" was the first thing that came to mind some years ago when I heard of the new drinking phenomenon so euphoniously called "butt chugging." If you haven't heard of that, you're the luckiest person to have never been on the internet. To save you some things you can't unGoogle, it's when you basically give yourself an alcohol enema. Super popular with the kids, because you get super smashed for super cheap. It's also super dangerous, because you're basically introducing pure alcohol to the bottom third of your digestive tract where it is inserted more directly to your bloodstream, bypassing helpful organs like your liver and kidneys.

Butt chugging, of course, is the first thing that came to mind when I saw GOOP recommending that you give yourself a coffee enema as part of the 2018 Beauty & Wellness Detox Guide. You know. For your "health."

Of course this is a thing! After all, it has been exactly a year since I wrote "Do Not Buy this Thing for $66 and Shove it Where the Sun Don't Shine" and two years since I wrote "Do Not Stuff Your Vagina With Herbs (or Spices) Please." I'm not sure what it is with January being the month of playing "One of these things just doesn't belong" with our orifices, but I'm starting to find the obsession of detoxing anus and vagina a little bit Dr. Kellogg creepy. 

People who buy detox stuff: what you're really cleansing is your wallet. There's a million scammers out there eager to consciously uncouple you from your cash by throwing around the word "toxin." I mean, think of it this way. Somehow, luck, design and/or evolution has been keeping our parts in relatively good working order for something like at least 60,000 years. Mother nature doesn't NEED you to drink a coffee up yo ass. She's got shit covered. Literally.

But you know, there's arguments to be made that if an enema doesn't help, at least it doesn't hurt. Fine. I don't know you, you might be Hank Hill-level constipated.


If you want to stick liquid stuff up your butt, at least make sure it's medically approved with doctor-given and approved directions. You can buy a nice enema kit at Shoppers with proper directions and liquid and know that at least the government has OK'd this product's existence and that someone with actual medical education probably looked at it before they hit the shelves. Because I guarantee anything that's made by a real medical professional is not going to be called the "IMPLANT O-RAMA SYSTEM."

Yours for the low, low price of $135. I kid you not. I can't make this stuff up.


If we're going to be honest with ourselves, how many people do you think REALLY "know what they're doing" when it comes to sticking coffee up their butthole with this device? Somewhere between 0 and LOL.


Coffee enemas are NOT APPROVED by medical professionals. They've landed people in the ER with proctocolitis. For your own health, avoid GOOP like the plague it is. If you really want to do some butt play? Buy a string of stainless steel ben wa balls so at LEAST you can sanitize them properly.

If you are constipated, do like everyone else and drink water and eat your GD vegetables like your mama told you to.




RELATED: Do Not Buy this Thing for $66 and Shove it Where the Sun Don't Shine

Anne is one of those people who usually speaks to others in memes, pop culture references, and SAT words. On those occasions she can be understood at all, she likes to entertain others with a sense of humour usually described by friends as “hilarious—once you get to know her.”
Whenever she’s not talking about herself in the third person, Anne is a walking encyclopedia of random trivia and enjoys explaining high school science according to the kitchen. If you want to know why ice melts or pretzels turn brown; if you have a burning desire to know lots of unusual facts about carrots; or if you just simply have an obsessive need to make grocery store staples from scratch for the “been there, made that” achievement awards… she’s your blogger. You can find her nerding it up over on her home blog FoodRetro or on Twitter @foodretro.