New Year, New You. New things to stuff in your vagina, apparently.
It's hard to believe that it's been exactly a year (!!!) since the Herbal Womb Detox Pearls debacle, in which I had the bloody results of such woo forever seared into my brain by accidental research. If you don't recall the post, it's the same one I had to beg people to not also make Coochie Kimchi.
While she destroyed my ability to sleep at night, that's also where Dr. Jen Gunter made me howl by blogging "Your uterus isn’t tired or depressed or dirty and your vagina has not misplaced its chakra."
Well, it seems Gwynnie missed offered up the memo like some sort of burnt pagan sacrifice to the gods of profitable new age medical quackery. And this time we're not just talking about giving ourselves cancer by wearing an underwire bra or steaming our proverbial clams.
Have you been on GOOP? GOOP is one of those pages that I only go to when my job depends on it because I might catch toxins of the brain. One of the latest offerings of GOOP is a jade egg, yours for the low, low price of $66, specifically designed to absorb your negative karmas, clear your chis, superpower your ability to orgasm, and to create "a star of energy" that you have - literally - stuck where the sun don't shine
I canNOT make this shit up.
Do we women really want a star of energy stuck in our vagina?
Wait, my bad, it's not "vagina." That word is so vulgar. They're calling it a yoni, which is Sanskrit for your entire female genitals and reproductive system, and a big thing in Indian religion. And your yoni craves the jade, because that's what the vagin- er, yonis - of the concubines of ancient emperors craved!
Wait, are we talking about China or India? Ah, fuck, who cares. They're both over in Asia someplace.
And, it sounds exotic!
But you're not from Asia. So let's throw a little new-age paganism in for good measure. Here's how you should use your bajina battery bling cum karma filter (did you see what I did there):
When you first get your egg, boil it for a few minutes to make sure it’s clean. It’s your sacred space, so it’s like making sure your feet are clean when you enter a temple. For me, it’s not just about physical cleansing—you can put it out under the light of a full moon to cleanse or recharge it like a crystal, or you could burn sage—the egg does absorb energy, so really clearing it when you first get it is a great thing to do.
Before I insert an egg, I’ll do a ritual: I place it on a beautiful piece of fabric, light a candle, maybe even burn some sage. For my ritual, I imagine pure light flowing between me and the egg.
I recommend you throw in a good chant here to draw attention to the positive karma spirts floating about in your kitchen. Wave your hands around your stovetop as you boil your sacred chacha charger, and make sure you shout something out loud like "Hey Nonny Yoni and a ho ho ho!" You might especially want to do this with company over. With the right intentions, you can steal their cosmic mojo to supercharge your own sex life - and make that bitch Brenda jealous because after your dinner party ritual, her boyfriend Dan won't have the pelvis power to please.
Don't bother Googling. I'm an authority on this. I printed out a certificate I made in Photoshop that says so.
Anyhow, you need to build a shrine to this mofo. Shiva Rose also says: "Always wrap the egg in silk, keep it clean, and store it on an altar—it should take a sacred place in your life."
Listen, I know some people love their sex toys, but building a shrine for them might give men in your life some angst. Not to worry. If he loses his confidence, just let him know that if he yells "By the Power of Greyskull!" as he handles his sword, he'll turn into He-Man.
I've had my fun. Back over here in reality land, in case you haven't guessed, sticking strange objects up your Tunnel of Love that come anywhere near the word detox is a bad idea.
This is doubly so if it's a porous piece of rock that can absorb bacteria, and you're being told by some weirdo that if you sleep with it in all night you'll invigorate your kidneys and absorb your negative energy.
But don't take my word for it. My favourite blogging gynecologist also weighed in with some inconvenient facts that in addition to parting ways with your money, you might give yourself toxic shock by using this thing. Talk about some bad karma.
If you are looking for some round objects to stick up there that won't kill you? You can find yourself some proper ben wa balls made out of stainless steel or glass at many, quite legitimate, sex shops for less than $66. Your pelvic floor will definitely get amped, but electrocuting your Yoni with the power of the cosmos is not guaranteed.
RELATED: Do Not Stuff Your Vagina With Herbs (or Spices) Please
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