Yummy Mummy Shaba Q. of Oakville, ON asks:
My 2-year-old daughter seems to be getting clingier and clingier. She used to be so social and used to talk to everyone; but now when people (even those she has known all her life) approach her she just looks away and complains. She won't go to anyone...or if she does it takes her a long time. Even her grandparents whom she has seen on a regular basis since she was born. This all seems to stem from the fact that we left for a couple of hours with a babysitter she didn't know; and ever since this behaviour has started. How do I get her to be unclingy?
Dr. Laura Markham answers:
Dear Shaba,
You say this clinginess began when you left your daughter with a new babysitter. Let’s look at this from your daughter’s perspective.
Her parents vanish. She has no way of understanding that you’ll be back in two hours -- or, in fact, whether you will EVER return. Since she depends on you completely, she knows that your absence is a life or death matter. With no one to take care of her, she would indeed die, so she can be forgiven for her panic.
Sure, she knows there is some woman there, but who is she? Can this woman be trusted? How can someone she doesn’t know comfort her? Knowing her life hangs by a thread, she goes into a state of emergency: fight, flight or freeze. (Many little ones protest initially and then move into a “freeze” state. A caretaker who doesn’t know them well may think they’re just fine.)
At the end of those two longest hours of her life, thank goodness, you did return. But your little girl is no dummy. She will do whatever is necessary to be sure that you never “forget her” again. If other people are around, or if she is out with you, she will cling with the ferocity of super glue. What can you do to convince her that she’s not in danger?
See it from her perspective, so you’re reassuring and patient. If she senses that you can’t wait to peel her off, she’ll cling harder.
Wear her in a backpack when you’re out and about, or at home when guests come over. She’ll feel securely attached and safer about interacting, while you have your hands free.
Don’t make a big deal of her “going to” others. She has to be confident you won’t hand her off if she’s to engage. Say lightly “Oh, you’re letting us know you’re not sure you’re ready to say hello yet? How about if I hold you very tightly and you wave from my arms?” You can go to Grandma when you’re ready.
Play “hide ‘n seek” with her. Any game involving separation and return that gets her giggling will help her release those fears that are making her clingy.
If she cries, empathize with her fears and reassure her that you always return and will keep her safe.
Stay patient and reassuring. With your help, your daughter will soon return to her sociable self!
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