How to Breastfeed a Toddler in 10 Easy Commandments

Failure to comply may result in tantrums in accordance with international law.

At a recent summit of the UNOBFT (United Nations of Breastfed Toddlers), representatives from all nations agreed upon the following ten fundamental rights for all members. The UNBFT has set a modest goal of 100% compliance, in the absence of which they reserve the right to hold a generalized tantrum in accordance with international law.

1- Thou shalt be available to breastfeed at the toddler’s discretion.

Service does not shut down during showers, bathroom breaks, meal preparation, grocery-store trips, hikes or minor home repairs.

2- Thou shalt accommodate the chosen nursing position of the toddler.

Be it standing, sitting, kneeling, lying down or upside down, the toddler knows best.

3- Thou shalt accept all manner of comfort objects during nursing sessions.

This includes, but is not limited to, kittens (plush and live), Optimus Prime, the largest board book in the home library and any matter of found stick, rock or leaf.

4- Thou shalt not wear turtlenecks.

Nor any other clothing item that impedes self-service.

5- Thou shalt not use nursing sessions as opportunities to accomplish irritating grooming tasks. 

Including but not limited to nail cutting, hair brushing, nose picking and ear cleaning.

6- Thou shalt not unlatch and roll away from the toddler without his or her express permission.

7- Thou shalt not pronounce the dreaded four-letter word¹ within earshot of the toddler.

¹ wean

8- Thou art required to change thy seating position in order to afford the toddler full view of Paw Patrol while nursing.

9- Thou shalt not drop foreign objects upon the toddler’s head

This includes crumbs, cell phones or books.

10- Thou shalt cast out those who ask: “Isn’t she getting a bit old for that?”

See also commandment 7.

Previously published at Maman Loup's Den.




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I am a 33-year old former high school teacher with a BA in French & Spanish, a BEd and a Diploma in Translation. I channel my love of language and communication into my blog, where I write about the humour that keeps stay-at-home parents sane and the practical side of making choices for our families that are both environmentally and financially sustainable. Originally from Surrey, BC, I lived in Montreal, QC for 7 years before moving to Calgary in 2015 where I live with my husband, school-aged son and toddler daughter. We are expecting twins in 2018!