If you ask my son on any day of the week if he’s been good that day, the answer will be the same.
“Oh, yes. I’ve had a really good day.”
If you ask my son what should happen, given what a good day he’s had, ANY DAY OF THE WEEK, the answer will also be the same.
“I should get Pokémon cards.”
There’s two things to consider about this:
First, my son is absolutely obsessed with Pokémon. When Pokémon Go came out, my son and I spent a lot of time exploring neighborhoods and communities and the woods for creatures and PokeStops. It was a lot of fun. One day we walked almost 5km in just a couple of hours. That’s a long way for a four-year-old.
And then came the questions.
Can we play Pokémon Go? Are we currently playing Pokémon Go? Why are we not playing Pokémon Go? How about now?
My son becomes obsessed with things VERY easily. TV shows, toys, or games, once he focuses on something, everything else just falls off the radar. He doesn’t care about eating or sleeping or anything in between. He just wants Pokémon… or Geronimo Stilton books… or Lego. Nothing else matters. The first time this boy falls in love, I’m not sure he’ll survive.
But the obsession doesn’t really matter, especially when you compare it to the second thing.
He’s lying.
I’ve watched him break his sister’s Lego tower and then and then tell me he’s having a great day. I’ve listened to him tell me that he had a good day… moments before his teacher tells me the he punched a kid in the stomach and then tried to choke out another kid.
I can’t tell if he’s trying to lie, or if he believes that having a good day is something you can do in just that moment, but when you combine these two things together, you come up with a recipe for disaster.
My son not only becomes obsessed with the actual reward system, he also becomes totally obsessed with the entire concept of a reward system. Every waking moment becomes an explanation of why we’re not getting the reward today… or even soon.
Add to this the fact that he seems wholly incapable of being honest about his past behavior, and you’re left with a kid who is obsessed with the reward itself, obsessed with the IDEA of receiving a reward, AND who is incapable of making good decisions based on that reward system. So, it doesn’t work.
Not only does delayed gratification not work with my son, but neither does the idea of potential punishments.
“If you don’t behave today, you won’t be able to go to your grandparents.”
“But I want to.”
“Then behave.”
No.
“If you’re not going to be good, you’re not going to go to your grandparents.”
“I’m going to be good.”
“Be good now.”
“I’m going to.”
I won’t bore you by continuing, but I will assume that you understand how this goes.
I’ll start by saying that we’re trying hard not to use phrases like “be good.” Our son IS (probably) inherently good (usually). The fact that I’ve seen no defined evidence of this does not cause me to waver.
So, what do we do? For starters, we’ve started to just say “you’re going to get X on such and such date.” We try not to tie things he wants into reward systems. (See above).
Secondly, we’ve started working on things as they come at us. We don’t plan or prepare for situations but rather we live. Based on what happens, we decide what to do.
Planning, sadly, has sort of gone out the window.
But hey, it’s almost Easter. And for Easter he’s getting Pokémon cards.
This should be interesting.
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