I am thirty-four and I have no children. I know I am not "late to the game" per se, but it feels like I am.
I met my husband when I was thirty-one (oh my, how time flies when you are having fun!). He is younger than I am, so babies weren't the first thing on his mind. It wasn't the first thing on my mind either. We weren't really in a rush. We wanted a house to raise our kids in, so we did that first. And now we have a house (and two cats that destroy it for us), and we are ready to have a baby (or two).
The Tick, Tick, Ticking of a Biological Clock
So, I am thirty-four. And it appears, as the doctors tell me, that I don't ovulate. Now becoming a mom is the first thing on my mind most days. I suddenly am in a rush.
Hmm, seems as though that baby-making thing isn't going to work as easily as everyone told me it would. "Just relax," they state—words that roll off their tongues so easily. "Oh, I know someone who thought they couldn't have kids and then they stopped worrying about it and it just happened." Ah, yes, I should just relax. If I just relax then my body will suddenly begin to ovulate, just like that. Hmm. Or maybe, just maybe, it isn't easy for everybody. Maybe, just maybe, it is harder for some of us. And no amount of relaxing or forgetting about making a baby is going to help us make a baby.
And so, here we are. We have been to the fertility clinic for our initial visit and our testing is underway. Some time in the new year we should have a better idea of what is in store for us, for our bodies, and for our future biological children. We remain hopeful that my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome diagnosis will be simple to work with and we will be able to conceive quickly.
The Other Side of the Coin
There are other ways to have children. It is a pull that I have always felt, but that I have pushed away time and time again—adoption. Or rather, as I hear it in my head: ADOPTION!!! It is like a fluorescent bulb that is going on and off and and off until I pay attention to it. My husband shares the same feelings (thank goodness), so I am not alone in this.
Initially I pushed away the feelings, because it isn't financially feasible. It costs tens of thousands of dollars to adopt a child. Except it doesn't. If you adopt through the CAS system, it is essentially free. But I pushed that aside, because "those children" might come with special needs that my husband and I can't possibly deal with. Except we can. We are both teachers, we are capable adults who can give the love and attention that any child needs. And, yes, it may be challenging, but raising our own biological children would be challenging too, and there is no guarantee that they wouldn't have their own special needs.
Last week I stopped pushing the feelings aside. I stopped ignoring the fluorescent strobe light. I spoke to my husband, prayed on it, cried about it, and then I sent in the initial email requesting more information.
The Journey Ahead
And so, here we stand—my husband and I—at the beginning of a journey or, perhaps, even two journeys. I have no idea where either will land us. I have no doubt that there will be many challenges along the way—life is always like that. But I have faith that we will end up where we are meant to be; however, the biggest question remains where that will be.