5 Things No One Told Me About Being Pregnant

I Bet No One Told You These Facts Either

Recently I was reading a magazine while waiting at my doctor’s office titled ‘5 things no one tells you about being pregnant’ and I thought to myself….wouldn’t it be nice if a REAL WOMAN actually shared the REAL things no one told HER about pregnancy. I mean, don’t get me wrong, being pregnant is truly amazing. Feeling your baby kick or seeing her dance on an ultrasound screen—there’s nothing like it in this world. But the reality is that pregnancy ain’t all rainbows and sunshine, at least not all of the time! And heartburn wasn’t on my top 5 list of “shocking happenings.”

So here is my list of 5 Things No One Told Me About Being Pregnant

 Trimming the shrubbery becomes a two-person job!

Yes, I am speaking figuratively! (However, for the record I wouldn’t suggest solo sculpting any award winning topiary trees while pregnant either.)

For the purposes of this list, I’m talking about your ‘lady garden’!  Yup, there's no delicate way to approach this. At some point in your pregnancy, your growing baby bump will make doing regular ‘garden maintenance’ pretty much impossible. Sure, you can try slanting a mirror, bathroom acrobatics or maybe even trimming by ‘feel’ (ouch!). Try if you like, but at some point, you’ll need to call in some back-up! Then, if you’re part of the super-lucky club, you may even find shaving your legs a bit of a balancing act too. AND ….you…might, maybe, possibly, perchance, (not confirming this happened to me) even have challenges with number 2 clean-up. Ugh! There is some good news though! Believe me, nothing builds trust in a relationship faster than letting your partner near your ‘cha-cha’ with a razor. And, with your super surging pregnant sex-drive…it can be a little bit of kinky fun too!  

  All books are designed to scare the ever living **** out of you!  

It is with 100% certainty that I say: most—if not all—pregnancy books are written by either a man OR someone who has never been nor wanted to be pregnant!

One minute you’re reading a weekly update on the development of your precious little bundle of joy and THE NEXT you’re tossed into a topsy-turvy emotional nightmare! You can’t stop reading and yet the mere thought of ever encountering this extremely rare, highly unlikely and possibly not even factual, medical phenomenon is flat-out terrifying!  Yes, you are usually a completely rational woman, but before you know it, you’re on the  phone to your midwife listing the exact reasons why you think this exact same fate is doomed to happen to you. I’m not even going to waste time telling you not to read it—we all know you will anyway! I did!

  ‘Butt’ nobody told me!

Group B streptococcus (GBS) is a type of bacterial infection that can be passed to a baby during delivery. Therefore testing for it is extremely important. The test takes about four seconds and I mean really—by the time you reach this point in pregnancy, you don’t think twice about the doctor slipping a small, seemingly harmless cotton swab in there! However, my doctor failed to mention that immediately after swabbing the deck—he, without ado, would be going below! Hello! Wasn’t expecting that! The first time my OB did this…I actually jumped. To add to my embarrassment, he asked me if I had a tender hemorrhoid or something? My face went 20 different shades of red and I think my voice cracked a little when I quickly replied ‘no.' Thankfully it’s not an experience you have to relive often AND the second time you are much more prepared for it.  

  Skivvies—1;  Me—Zero!  

Ah, the battle of the underwear! At some point I eventually had to give up on underwear altogether! No, it was not an attempt to be kinky. There’s just nothing sexy about a rolled up underwear line across the top of your butt cheeks! It didn’t seem to matter if I bought extra big ‘granny panties’ or super sexy low rise —they all did the same thing eventually—they all rolled down into an unsightly hump. It all began when I was 36-weeks pregnant with my first and I was in my sister’s wedding, (I know, but I love her!). As I made my way down the aisle, I could feel the elastic giving way and my underwear made their slow descent. I knew the not-so-forgiving satin dress now adorned an awkward roll across the top of my ass! It was like a big arrow pointing to my derrière saying ‘wide load’! The entire ceremony I felt like every guest must now be wondering if I had started to grow a tail! I couldn’t very well hike ‘em back up in front of 200 sets of eyeballs! I was the hostage of cotton briefs. After that incident….I decided to completely forgo undies! I figured I was growing a human being in my womb gosh darn it and that gives me the right to be comfortable!

And I wouldn’t be truthful if I didn’t include this last one...

 MY kid really IS the most beautiful baby in the world!

As your due date approaches and all the awkward moments are behind you—pregnancy, birth and motherhood really, truly are an amazing thing. To see your baby start out as a little light flicker on an ultrasound screen monitor and then to be days away from holding him in your arms—it’s incredible. The journey only gets better from there. When he finally makes his debut there really is no comparison to seeing how ‘finished’ he is. I examined my son for hours after he was born. Every wrinkle amazed me. Perfect little lips, eyelashes, and chubby little thighs—he was my miracle. And the cliché is true, all mothers really do think their baby is the most beautiful baby ever born. But they are all wrong because my babies are the most beautiful!  

Love every second of it—it will be over before you know it! And laugh as much as you can, it will keep you sane!

Click here for more not-so-fun facts about being pregnant!