When my kids were little, I was obsessed with parenting classes, intent on being the best mom I could be. While some were helpful, I found most of them to be hit-or-miss and none actually addressed the day-to-day issues parents have to deal with.
Looking back, these are the classes I’d actually take.
Stop misbehavior within 100 metres by perfecting your “mom” look.
This class would focus on how to achieve the right balance of eye squint and pursed lips to convey immense disapproval while ensuring your glare can be seen and felt over long distances.
A small portion of the class would be dedicated to learning how to smile at your child who is misbehaving in public but in a way that lets them know they are in a boatload of sh*t when they get home.
There are a million articles on how to shop with young kids. Keep them entertained, make sure they are well-rested and have eaten, yadda yadda yadda. This class would instead focus on real life situations like:
How to ignore meltdowns in the middle of a grocery store while still getting your damn shopping done because the family needs to eat.
How to run after and catch your toddler who broke out of the changeroom while you are half naked.
Password Protection 101: How to avoid a delivery of 68 Paw Patrol DVDs because your toddler ordered them while you were in the shower.
And my personal favourite: “Hide and Seek” in a clothing store is nobody’s idea of a fun game.
Learn how to fix anything using only duct tape and mom spit, with a special emphasis on how to wipe pizza sauce off your child’s face as she desperately tries to pull away from you.
This class will teach you how to fake it when you missed your kids doing something even though they were yelling, “Look at me, mom. Look at me!”
We’ve all been there. You’re at the park and your kid is yelling “Look at me!” so you look up and he spins in a circle. Or picks up a rock. Or stands there doing nothing.
Moms can’t look at every little thing their kid does because we still have to do things like laundry, and cooking, and perhaps, showering. But you can fake it thanks to this class that will give you 54 phrases to use in every situation, including:
You will learn the true meaning of patience waiting for your kids to fall asleep on Christmas Eve. It is a normal night on steroids. The kids are jacked on sugar and excitement that Santa is coming. Only parents NEED kids to sleep because there’s stuff to do before they reawaken at 4:00 a.m.
This class will teach you how to get your kids to sleep without drugs, why wine drinking wine on Christmas Eve is a bad idea, and how to deal with the lack of sleep/too much sugar/too much excitement meltdown on Christmas Day.
A small portion of the class will also be dedicated to other holidays/special occasions including:
How to remember where you hid all the Easter eggs and what to do when your sh*tty Tooth Fairy forgets to show up again.
In all truthfulness, this is a class I actually needed. Before my son was born, I read book, upon book, upon book. I highlighted and marked pages, even when the information provided gave me that niggling feeling in the pit of stomach, including one book that recommended I feed my newborn sugar water to get him to sleep through the night. I trusted the so-called experts more than I trusted myself.
Now all the answers to every question you have are only a Google search away. It’s easy to get caught up in information overload.
We all need a class that teaches us to go with our gut, because at the end of the day, nobody knows or loves your child better than you.
You’ve got this, mom.
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