I know that you were disappointed in my reaction when you told me your wonderful news. I truly didn’t mean to make you feel bad; I’m thrilled that you’re having another baby!
I am also terribly jealous. Learning that you will soon be holding a precious newborn made me realize how much I miss that time in my life and regret that it will never come again for me. I’ll never again feel the amazing peace that comes from breastfeeding late at night while the rest of the world is quiet, never again feel the absolute trust from that tiny little person who depends on me for literally everything, and never again feel that soft body relax against mine in deep slumber.
I know I’ve done each of those things before and am truly blessed to have experienced it at all. I know that I’m lucky to have my little boys who are now old enough to fill my days with hugs, jokes, songs and laughter. I know that my time with them today is precious too, watching them learn something new every day is an adventure, seeing the world through their eyes is an education. They make me laugh with their crazy antics, they make me cry with their incredible obstinacy, they make me proud when I think that everything they are is because of me. I know that I have to treasure these days because they will soon be gone.
Not too long from now they will want fewer hugs, encounter fewer problems requiring my assistance, and have fewer moments to spend with me. My heart will break a little every time they need me less but I will also rejoice in my newfound freedom. I will be glad to have time to spend on myself, learn something new, go back to work, and watch as my two babies grow into the men that I’ve tried to teach them to be.
All too soon they will be gone for good, they will start living their own lives in their own houses, potentially far away from here. I will only see them on holidays and speak to them when they have time for me. It will never be enough and I will long for the days when they were always underfoot, cute little impediments to anything that I was trying to accomplish.
You too, are in the middle of this journey but also standing again at the beginning. I will watch as you walk this path with your new little baby. I will be there beside you and try desperately to control my longing, show you my love and support you every way that I can.
Please don’t feel bad for me, the desire to hold my own infant again is intense right now but will fade to a dull ache as time goes by. It’s an ache that every mother knows, every mother experiences and every mother learns to live with. It’s the price we pay for loving our children so much.
My heart is so full right now. Full of thoughts of my babies when they were small, love for the children that they are today, and dreams about the adults they will become.
Congratulations to you, mother-to-be. I envy you, I love you, and I can’t wait to meet your new baby!
For the YMC Voices of Motherhood 2015 contest, we asked mothers from all over Canada to submit their story based on the theme “Stages of Motherhood: Past, Present, or Future.”
We received over 100 thought provoking stories that made us laugh, cry, and nod our heads in agreement. Our judges had their work cut out for them to narrow it down to the Top 10.