For reasons unknown to me, I am thinking about the person I was when I got married vs. the person I am today. This comparison has proven to be devastating, depressing and in some cases shocking! Some of it can’t be helped—age for example—but I am not sure what to say about the rest of it.
When I got married, I was young, active, fun to be with, full of energy, always up for a challenge, and a good time. I am now old(er), grumpy much of the time, exhausted, annoyed by any and all challenges, consider it a good time if someone else does the dishes, and I get to bed by 9:00.
When I got married I loved to run, ride my bike, and ski as much as possible. I was always planning my next great holiday and had a pretty fabulous career. I was going to do it all and make those before me pale in comparison to how well I would balance it all. I would keep the spark in the relationship, I would not feel guilty about day care, and I would never turn into my mother!
I now “have” to run and often it is possibly the last thing in the world I feel like doing because what I really want to do is sleep. I ride my bike because my husband bought me one, thinking I loved biking because I did it a decade ago when I had all the time in the world to fit in a two hour ride! I still plan holidays but they often envolve theme parks, all-inclusives, or a lot of camping gear and bug spray.
I no longer have a fabulous job because I wasn’t able to do it all, not even close. I had breakdowns constantly, felt miserably guilty about day care, and was in awe of anyone who was actually able to do this. I quit my job and freelanced for a while, but that dried up, too. Although this truly was the right choice for me (my story and I am sticking to it!) it sometimes leaves me feeling resentful when my husband leaves in the morning and I am left with lunches, un-done homework, yelling kids and burnt toast. He gets to eat out at restaurants and fly on planes without kids. How could this be fair? And thus began our competition of “who has it worse, you or me?” Let me tell you—no one ever wins but somehow it's always worth the fight. The spark in the relationship has morphed into the above fiery arguments, not hot sex. (remember, I was "full of energy" when we got married).
Finally, all I can hear these days is my mother, “If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say it at all” and “For heavens’ sake!” (Who says for heavens’ sake? Me apparently!) And then there's, “If I have to repeat myself, so help me God,” and “Honest to Pete,” Who the hell says this? Sadly me and my mother. So help me God!