Yummy Mummy Laura H. from Oakville, Ontario asks:
I am a single mother with two boys 12 and 7. My 12 yr old is starting to defy me ( as they will do), and does things like: uses his body to block my way and will act out by doing things like sitting in front of the TV and turning it off when his brother wants to watch TV. I am at a loss. He is not with me full time and he lives with his dad part time and I know he is suffering from that.
Dear Laura,
Intuitively you understand that your son is likely having difficulty not living with you full time, and that his approaching adolescence can bring with it some of these negative behaviors. It is important to know that kids communicate with their behavior, they will often show you something is wrong rather than tell you something is wrong. When we deal with the surface behaviors without looking for the underlying message, negative behavior will continue to present itself without getting resolved.
With many challenging behaviors, parents find anger and consequences don’t seem to help. Here’s what I think will work. Try to break the cycle of behavior by focusing on your relationship. Your son knows his behavior isn’t nice—and deep down he probably does not feel proud of it. The more kids act out, the more unlovable they feel. The more unlovable they feel, the more they will act out!
Try to get closer when he is not acting out. Touch his face, tell him he’s still your baby, tickle him, and hug him. When we are upset with our kids we tend to withdraw because their behavior drives us away. If he rejects hugs or tickles don’t look hurt or defensive, just tell him you will give him his space and you will try another time. Try to connect in other ways, like with humor, leaving notes about what you admire about him, sit beside him and watch him play a video game for a few minutes, leave a baby picture of him in his room, and tell him stories about when he was a baby. He will want to do the right thing because he feels better about your relationship. If you are very close already this will make you closer and will help his behavior.
When you do have to deal directly with the behavior try to reflect on what he is feeling first, tell him what behavior you would like to see then walk away and see if he can make the right choice. Many kids need to save face and won’t comply if you’re standing there waiting. Whenever possible, stay neutral. Yelling and threatening can undermine the relationship, especially if things are already strained. You can give consequences, but explain what they will be first. Then, if he continues the behavior, he has chosen the consequence.
Remember it is the child you least feel like connecting with who always needs it the most! To find out more, visit the
Connected Parenting website.
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