Mornings suck. Mornings have always sucked, but now that I am responsible for hauling not just myself out of bed, but two smaller versions of morning-hating Mes out of bed too, mornings suck even harder.
But they have given me ample opportunity to study my children for tips in case I ever need to stage a morning filibuster.
The best ways to drag out a morning, according to my children:
Parents will call ten times before getting worried that something has happened to you and come in. At a rate of one call per minute, this gives you 10 extra minutes of sleep.
Make it seem as though you responded to the first 10 calls and were ignored. Act like you have been putting in an effort to get up, and your mom just won’t get off your back.
She will find you pants somewhere, but it will kill another 10 minutes.
Pretend you forgot to put on the other one, or claim you only ever had one to begin with. Either way, you will get to go back upstairs.
Five minutes before it’s time to leave is the best time to poop. Take as much time as you can, they can’t rush poop. When you gotta go, you gotta go.
When you are done pooping, declare you need help wiping. If they tell you to do it yourself, make it so they cannot refuse to help you. Use your imagination.
Head back upstairs, or to the basement. Do it quietly and unnoticed when they assume you are getting ready. When they come to collect you expecting you to be finished your task, boy will they be surprised!
It wasn’t in your mailbag. You didn’t give it to them three days ago. But it is due now. Bonus points if it requires money.
Or just decide you hate what you’re wearing. Either way, change your clothes.
It can be done. Small bites, lots of space in between. Make sure you hold the toast in your hand and wave it around a lot, so it looks like you are actually eating it.
Parents love Minecraft stories, especially in a rush at 7 am.
It’s important to save this one for when you are 100% ready and heading out the door. They think you’re ready and the morning routine is finally complete, but who can resist a cat?
Following these instructions will ensure that your parents will run late every morning, no matter how early they get up and how prepared they think they are. And if all else fails, throw a tantrum.
Note: This advice only pertains to weekdays. On weekends, wake up as early as possible.