10 of the Truest Truths that Ever Trued About Parenting

Welcome to parenthood. We hope you enjoy the ride. It's basically like Space Mountain at Disney World - a rollercoaster in the dark full of surprise turns, screams, and fun.

If you're early on in the parent years, there's a lot of things that you don't know now that we'll tell you. You'll come to realize this is all true eventually.

You will literally have no idea what you're doing about 97% of the time.

And you're going to have to pretend for at least 18 years that you do. The parenting books cover about 3% of all possible issues and don't cover any of the things we really want (need) to know. They can't. A million monkeys with a million kids with a million typewriters might eventually write the complete book of parenting.

Among the thousands of scenarios I never educated myself to handle, in random order: 1) How to kill my sense of smell and/or dealing with the fartocalypse when I'm the parent of a boy. 2) Dealing with baby boy boners. Yes, it's real. 3) Consoling a child who is insulted cause other kids refer to him as "sir."

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You're going to need to develop a sense of humor.

Or at least, you're going to have to develop a strong sense of patience with their humour.

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Speaking of patience, you're going to need a lot of it, so start practicing your game face and maybe start taking lessons in enduring torture.

Real conversation: Me: Go empty the dishwasher. Kid: Are you going to pay me? Me: No. Kid: I bet you only had a kid so you could have free labour.

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And you better practice the "YES. I am SERIOUSLY interested in what you have to say face" too.

Because sooner or later they're going to discover Minecraft and/or Pokemon. And nobody can be as interested in it as a 6 year-old can. Nobody.

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Every cliche that you've ever heard your parents utter will come out of your mouth sooner or later.

Every. Single. One.

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There's an above average chance that you're going to have to have a conversation before age 5 about times it's inappropriate to hump things and/or touch themselves.

This chance goes to about 98% if you have a boy. It's natural. But yes, this never showed up in the fantasy conversations we had with our future kids before actual parenthood.

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You will eventually begin to hide some of your favourite treats just so you can keep them to yourself.

And you'll stealth into the shadows to sneak them.

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You'll learn to love grocery shopping.

It's an awesome way to get 30 minutes to yourself.

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But of course, every trip that you don't go with yourself feels more like this.

Also, no matter how much you pack, you're going to forget something.

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And last but not least, you WILL try to use the Jedi mind trick at least once.

Parenthood makes nerds of all of us, especially when the kids get into something you don't want them to get into.

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^{Disaster Girl photo taken by Dave Roth, 2004}

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