A Partial Accounting of Lies I Have Told My Children

Voices of Motherhood 2016 Grand Prize Winner

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1. The drive through is closed for inventory. Maybe another day.

2. Because it’s against the law to be naked in the yard.

3. The Easter Bunny won’t leave eggs in a house where there is Lego on the floor.

4. That’s a back massager. For adults.

5. I can’t remember Daddy’s password for Minecraft. You’ll have to wait until he gets home.

6. I love playing Candy Land and doing puzzles.

7. Anecdotally, I have heard of children who lost an arm or leg from not eating squash. But it’s up to you if you’d like to finish dinner or not.

8. No, I didn’t make popcorn. I think you must have been dreaming about the smell. Go back to sleep.

9. I have no idea where the Nerf gun has gone.

10. I have no idea where the water gun has gone.

11. I have no idea where the stick you were pretending was a gun has gone.

12. Of course I didn’t eat your Halloween candy! I can buy my own candy, thank you very much.

13. There’s a global shortage of ice cream. Maybe another day.

14. The Kids Bop CD got a scratch on. Don’t think it works anymore. I know, I feel sad too.

15. I never behaved like this when I was a kid. I would have been grounded for weeks!

16. It’s bedtime. No, it’s definitely bedtime. That clock is wrong. Trust me.

17. It’s not spicy. You’ll like it. Trust me.

18. The dentist is fun. No biggie. Trust me.

19. The indoor play place? Today? No, they had to close for repairs I think. Zach’s mom told me. Maybe another day.

20. If you let me pull the tooth out, it won’t hurt at all.

21. Mommy and Daddy are sad to be going to Las Vegas without you, too. But grandma really wanted you to come visit.

22. If you don’t floss, all of your teeth will fall out before you get to high school. All of them.

23. Yes, I really want to go see Minions 2. I love Minions. Love 'em.

24. Hungry Hippos? Nope, haven’t seen it. No idea where it is.

25. Yeah, I’d like to have another baby too, honey. Maybe someday!

26. A dog? Maybe someday!

27. Gerbils? I’ll think about that. Maybe someday!

28. The grocery store was out of Frosted Flakes. Steel cut oats have the same basic flavour. Seriously.

29. I wish spring break could last forever, too, honey.

30. Shouting? Last night? From my room? Huh. Oh I think that was when Daddy and I were watching a scary movie. The characters were yelling a lot.

Christina Myers worked for more than a decade as a full time reporter in the Greater Vancouver region, covering everything from health to politics to parenting and education, before leaving in 2013 to spend more time with her family. She is an alumni of the Writer's Studio in Vancouver (2015) and currently serves as the Studio's apprentice mentor for creative non-fiction. She continues to freelance for local media organizations from time to time while continuing to explore her creative writing. Most recently her writing has appeared on Skirt Quarterly Magazine (online) and she is one of the contributors in the recently published Boobs: Women Explore What It Means to Have Breasts, by Canadian literary publisher Caitlin Press.