As a foster parent, I’ve been able to play a role in several adoptions, and I’ve had many eye-openers along the way. There tends to be many misconceptions about adoption, which prevent children from finding their forever families. No longer is there that historic scenario of the unmarried teenager giving away their baby—it is no longer frowned upon to have a child out of wedlock—nowadays, when kids are available for adoption, it’s not usually due to the unwed state or age of the mother, but due to addictions, mental health issues, or issues affecting their ability to parent.
Here are 5 common misconceptions about foster care adoption and the reality behind each one. Maybe dispelling the myths will make a difference and help a child find a forever family.
Many people assume that in order to adopt, you need to be married, be a certain age, or own a house. There can be these types of restrictions when you adopt from overseas, but in Canada, it is no longer the case. Single, divorced, gay—it doesn’t matter. A friend of ours, who is single and divorced, just adopted a young boy last year. I know another couple, who are gay, that adopted a sweet little 3-month-old girl. Neither of them had to jump through hoops.
If you are able to financially and emotionally care for a child, then nothing else really matters.
The fewer restrictions that you have on the type of child you want to adopt, the easier it will be.
If you decide you only want a child of a specific gender, a specific age, and with a promise of no existing or potential health concerns, then you might be waiting a long time. Parenting doesn’t come with guarantees! If you were to have your own biological baby, and then find out a few years later that your child has a genetic disorder, is autistic, or has diabetes, would that make you love them less? I think not.
The majority of children in the foster care system usually have health or emotional issues, or the potential of issues. For example, if a young baby comes into foster care, there is no guarantee that the mother didn’t drink during pregnancy. The odds are that the baby was taken away, because the mother had either health, medical, drug, or alcohol-related issues. So, the child’s file will always list the multiple unknown concerns, and that file is looked at with wariness from potential parents looking to adopt.
No child comes with a guarantee—part of being a parent means rolling with the punches and accepting whatever the fates give you. Adoption is no different.
If you choose to adopt internationally, then yes, you will need a whack of cash, or go in to debt to adopt a baby—usually at least $20,000 or more.
But there are children just beyond our backyards that can be adopted for virtually free. Being wealthy is not one of the criteria for adopting. In fact, your emotional resources often carry more weight than your financial ones.
To adopt a child, you will need to register for a program called PRIDE—a standardized, 4-day, educational program—and SAFE, which is a home study assessment. PRIDE (Parent Resources for Information, Development, and Education) is a 9-session course, for a total of 27 hours of training, that is usually offered once a week or on weekends.
PRIDE is free through your local Children’s Aid Society, along with your home study assessment; however, there can be a waiting list depending on your location and the time of year. You can register for these same programs through a private agency and pay money to get them done quicker, if you want to speed things along (i.e. the PRIDE program costs about $650-$700 per person). But that is by choice, not by necessity.
Adoption takes a lot of time and effort. Wealth does not need to factor in.
Today, most birth parents that consent to an adoption have some degree of openness with the adoptive family and child. How much and what type of contact (i.e. photos, letters, and/or visits) depends on what was agreed upon by the birth parents and adoptive parents.
If you adopt a child from foster care, there are instances when a child who is a ward of the province (and therefore adoptable) might still have access to their biological parents—either through a court-mandated occasional visit or letter. What is unfortunate, is that a lot of the time these children never get adopted, since there is still a “connection” with their biological family, and many adoptive parents want a child that is free from obligations and reminders of the child’s past. So, these children end up staying in foster care until they are 18, and then they “age out” of the system and are completely on their own.
These children still need forever families, and it is a shame that so many of them languish in foster care.
I’ve been told by some that, “I bonded with my child as soon as I laid eyes on them.” However, the majority of those I’ve known in adoption circles have said that the love builds over time.
At the beginning, everything is new—both sides have to get used to different habits, quirks, personalities (no matter how young or old), and an attachment has to be developed. But in time, routines are built, souls flourish, and something clicks.
A friend of mine and his wife adopted two boys, and he was quite honest about their struggles to bond with them and develop an attachment. He said that there was a moment, about 6 months after the adoption, when he was sitting at the dinner table with his family, fork in hand, and then *POW,* he realized he had two sons and he was completely in love with them. He burst into tears at the table, with his wife in complete shock. He said it hit him like a brick wall—a feeling of complete and utter connection with his kids, and it was completely unexpected and overwhelming at the same time.
So for some it’s not instantaneous, but that doesn’t mean it’s any less. Don't underestimate the role that environment and time plays in the adjustment and bonding process. Love is not based on biology.
As well as being a foster parent, Karen Elliott is a web designer and freelance artist who also works for the Yummy Mummy Club as the online editor.
She and her husband live in a small hamlet in rural Ontario with their two biological children and a continual stream of others who pass through on their childhood journey.
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